Dale Cooper Black

I tried to catch the thief who's been stealing my family's ties, but he Michael J. Outfoxed me

Shits: I often take them, but rarely give them

This shit is ripe for the taking

There's a lot more horsemeat in this jello pudding pop than I was expecting

Did you ever see the episode of Larry King where he pronounced it "buh-jork"? 'Twas classic Larry.

I'm trapped in a prison of my own making; my land development company built this facility before I was jailed for corruption

Sorry, I can't engage with your right now - I need to mindlessly scroll through my phone's default settings

Intelligo conceptus tuos in dolore.

What part of "briff mawp grabble" don't you understand?

My parrot is mute; luckily, I can read beaks

This morning I encountered a creature who was part robot, part zombie. Spoiler alert: It was my own reflection

What's up, President Hot Dog?

I have half a mind to sue the doctor that performed my hemispherectomy

Hey roomie, do you know if these prison jumpsuits are 100% cotton?

Jimmy Kimmel never gets, don't you know Bruce Banner yet?

Hey Rocky, watch me pull a baby outta my cootch

While he's unable to attend this press conference in person, I can assure you that Mr. Fonzarelli admits his error and offers his sincerest apologies.

If we're being honest, you were off-tempo and your Lindy Flip needs work. If we're being lying sacks of shit, ya nailed it!

My dog waves his paws in the air, like he just don't care.

Are you Canadian? Because you smell Canadian.

And the Lord sayeth unto them, "There shall be no gathering like that of an S Club gathering."

Honey, we may need to rethink our vacation plans – the Star Trek Ultimate Voyage Concert Tour is coming to town!

Bad news, men – we're gonna have to re-peen this entire unit.

I've heard of absurdism, but this is just ridiculous!