Dale Cooper Black

Ironically, it turns out that I do need your pity after all.

Just call me the ThighMaster of Ceremonies.

One of my socks went missing from the laundry room in my apartment building. The prime suspect is a one-legged guy who lives next door.

There was a fracas in Caracas with B.A. Baracus, when Chewbacca attacked us with a pair of maracas.

Are you there Margaret? It's me, God. Payback time.

Boy, this Jolly Rancher you gave me was really a lifesaver!

This is where the Magic: The Gathering happens.

Hey guys, this is just a quick note to let you know that I won't be needing your catchphrase submissions anymore. Thanks for all your efforts, but I recently received a copy of "The Almanac of Humorous Catchwords and Popular Locutions" from 1871, and it is a doozy! The only problem is, there are literally dozens of classic catchphrases in here, and it's hard to pick just one. So for today's episode, I'll just flip through the pages and pick one out at random. OK, here we go.... Well, whattaya know? "What's Up Hot Dog!"

I'm afraid you're mistaken, Your Honor. What I actually said was, I rest my FACE.

¿Cómo estás, Taco?

I guess you could say our shop teacher has a "hands-off" teaching style.

Ever since he got divorced, my boss has been riding the bus with me every day. It's awkward.

Why are you hitting on yourself?

Gary Oldman sure is living up to his name these days, eh?

I'm more interested in the Hero with a Thousand FECES.

This catchphrase is funnier if you read it out loud.

I don't want to cause a big scene or anything, but somebody in this elevator farted and nobody's getting off until we find the culprit.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore. But when a snakelike fish bites off your thumb, that's a Moray eel.

Man, I'm dying to find out the answer to this one. Can't anyone out there shed some light on this?

Oh, my Sklars and garters!

"We're all gonna die," I screamed on a crowded subway. A tense moment followed, but we all had a good laugh when I said the final part: "Someday!"

OK everyone, you can take your stupid comments out of your pockets now!

Why go to all the trouble of thinking up clever bon mots when a simple "fuck you" will suffice?

What is a deer listener? Is it anything like a horse whisperer?

I've heard of a smart ass, but a smart PHONE? What will those clowns in Silicon Valley dream up next?