Blast Hardcheese

During this episode, Paul asks why The Apartment was never remade. It kind of was, actually: the movie Loser (2001) is a loose adaptation of The Apartment set on a NYC college campus. Jason Biggs plays the hapless, kindhearted “loser” who lends out the veterinary hospital he lives in (???) to curry favor with the hard-partying, pot smoking and womanizing hipster douche bags he wants so desperately to impress. Mena Suvari plays the Fran Kubelik analog while Greg Kinnear portrays a pretentious english professor in the Sheldrake mold who abuses his position of power in order to sleep with Suvari’s character, much to Bigg’s character’s heartbroken chagrin (sorry, I couldn’t remember any of the character’s names in this movie; like almost every remake, it’s not very good). There’s also Michael Showalter’s The Baxter, which is a spiritual cousin to The Apartment, and stars Showalter, Elizabeth Banks, Paul Rudd, Michelle Williams, Peter Dinklage, Justin Theroux, and most of the cast of The State.

I haven’t had a chance to listen to this episode prior to posting my comments here, but I had to get this all out while it’s still fresh in my mind. So, please accept my apologies if any of my observations are covered on the podcast. Okay, the thing I think I enjoyed the most about this movie was the blatant production rip-off elements “borrowed” from other movies. The humorous commercials and television news breaks to fill-in the narrative are blatant rip-offs of RoboCop‘s commercials and Media Break segments. Shoveling trash into the engine of the Dragon’s station wagon’s engine was a rip-off of Back to the Future, as were the UPC license plates (which were also used in RoboCop II). Post apocalyptic L.A. is a rip-off from Escape from L.A.* The movie had a TMNT vibe to it, and Abobo was kind of like a mutant rip-off of Bebop and/or Rocksteady. And while we’re at it, the station wagon itself was a “nod” to National Lampoon’s Vacation. Speaking of Abobo: during the chase scene at the beginning of the movie when he and his henchmen are chasing the Dragons through the streets of New Angeles, Abobo activates a joystick controller in his truck to zero-in on the Dragon’s after they use a map to obscure Abobo’s windshield. At one point, the henchmen slaps Abobo’s hand away from the joystick and takes over, saying, “You always sucked at video games.” Instead of looking easily angered or even dejected at this cutting remark, Abobo smiles back in this sexily sinister way at his flunky. The following shots are brief, but they are framed in just the right way to make it look like Abobo and his twink henchman are giving each other frantically joyous hand jobs. Why do good, well-meaning, but ultimately short-sighted tertiary characters always keep mystically powerful shit—that if it fell into the wrong hands could spell certain doom for us all—in the most easily obtainable and constantly needing-to-be-protected-at-all-time trinkets? Just Mordor that shit and get it over with already! *Correction: Escape From L.A. came out after Double Dragon. So it looks like that movie ripped this one off.

Let’s just say all that quirkiness you see on the screen is steadily being sanitized away. If you told me Powell’s Books was getting bulldozed to make way for more lofts nobody I know can afford to live in, I wouldn’t be surprised.

In my opinion, that remake stacks up against Body Heat or the 80's remake of Out of the Past called Against All Odds fairly well. Nowhere near as great as the original, but it's a prime example of the noir revival coming out of the 70's and early 80's. Noir is pretty cyclical that way; being revived every 10-15 years or so. I'm not a huge Ryan Johnson fan after Star Wars: The Last Jedi, but his debut, Brick, hit all of those noir notes perfectly, but in a new and inventive way. Have you seen The January Man starring Kevin Klein and Alan Rickman? It's not a great film (25% on RT!), but for a hard-boiled detective send-up, it's not half bad and at least it's trying to do something new. The "twist" ending has a real "why hadn't anyone done this up until now" moment. Again, not a great movie (oh, no), but the ending is a clever enough device. Also, if you haven't seen Fitz Lang's 1945 remake of 1931's La Chienne (The Bitch), Scarlett Street, I can't recommend this insanely bleak, convoluted and disturbing film enough. I'm pretty sure Scarlett Street alone inspired the Hayes Code. I'd love to see HDTGM review this film.

Yeah, yeah. That show... We're all really fond of it around here and what it's done for our community. Romeo is Bleeding is pretty good, but the finale meanders a bit. Red Rock West came out in '93 and was a direct-to-video and cable release that caught a lot of buzz at TIFF that year. After a nudge from a San Francisco theater owner by the name of Bill Banning (who arranged for a select screening of the film), Tristar sent it out on a national art house tour. Another great neo-noir from this era is John Sayles' Lone Star, which has one of the most quietly fucked-up and "yeesh"-inducing twist endings in cinematic history. Speaking of my all-time favorite movie, Double Indemnity, have you seen the television remake from the 70's? It came with the two-DVD set a couple of years ago for some unfathomable reason, and is as fuckin' unintentionally hilarious as it is a gutless and hollow. The "speed limit" scene in this made-for-television disaster is HDTGM-worthy all on its own.

This, or Gleaming the Cube. Or both. Best line from this movie that June would enjoy: "Breakin' is a memory."

As a Portlander, I have to say that I was a bit disappointed that for the live show here we got the perplexing 2:22 instead of Body of Evidence, a film produced during a particularly dismal era of movies shot or taking place in Portland (there was also Dr. Giggles, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues and The Temp... we did get Drug Store Cowboy, though, so it wasn't all bad during the '90's). Still, I'm glad this movie finally made it onto the Podcast. Okay, not to get all Bullitt chase scene on this film, but the opening bridge crossing scene was, from a local perspective ...interesting. One of Portland's nicknames is "Bridge City," as we have quite a few bridges linking the east and west sides of the city over the Willamette River. Towards the beginning of the film, we see Willem Defoe's character driving across the Fremont Bridge (a raised suspension bridge with these distinct triangle-shaped trusses) from the north/northeast going west into the city. That's all well and good, but then the very next shot shows him driving east across a two-way cantilever bridge which is named the Hawthorne Bridge, and is geographically four bridges southward from the Fremont Bridge. This scene is cut in a way to make it look like he's driving on the same bridge, but in reality he's essentially driving across one bridge and going through downtown to get to another bridge to go back almost in the direction he came from, and doing in a matter of seconds what Google maps approximates would take 15 minutes to accomplish (traffic permitting). Even odder still, it appears that, in an establishing scene, Defoe's character's law office is in Downtown Portland (located in the southwest section of the city), so why is he driving from the north/northeast area in the evening to get to the southeast section of the city? The 90's-era neo-noir with Linda Fiarntino Jason was trying to remember is The Last Seduction, and it is an underrated and amazing film. It's a must-see along with Red Rock West , A Simple Plan, Devil In a Blue Dress, and One False Move.

Damn! You beat me to it.

Did anyone else notice the turntable turbolift at the beginning of the film? In the pre-title sequence, we see two soldiers get out of the rounded conveyance and walk down a hall of their ship. As they exit, another soldier gets on the “turntable-lift,” it does a quarter turn and the soldier gets off to walk down another hallway. Wouldn’t it just be easier to tear out the “turntable lift” and install a corner in the hallway instead? The torpedoes with people inside remind me of the alien torpedo ships from Star Trek Beyond (another film that drew inspiration from Star Wars). The kit bashing on this film makes the Satellite of Love from MST3K look like 2001: A Space Odyssey.

SIP: Any time June or Jason bring up Unspooled. DRINK: When they mention not being invited to be guests on Unspooled. CHUG: Paul skirts the issue of June and Jason not being invited on Unspooled.

CHUG: Paul tells one of his Blockbuster glory days stories. (I’m still hoping/wishing/praying for the podcast, How Did We Get Scheer? where Paul relays one of his Blockbuster stories of yore to a different guest each episode.)

At the end of the movie, did David move his entire brewing operation up to San Francisco from Los Angeles? It wouldn't be unheard of, but Copper Mountain seems to be in its infancy as a company and moving the whole operation (office, the brewing tanks and hiring a whole new crew--unless his original staff moved up there with him) seems not only cost prohibitive at this stage in the game, but financially irresponsible as well. The final stinger of this film, where Tessa's mother, Lovey, pops in and Julia is all, like, "Great. Now I have to deal with this crazy bitch" doesn't hold even half as much weight as implied, if you think about it. Crazy though she may be, Lovey’s still just the grandmother. Julia is certainly more self-assured than David, but together they could still assert the ground rules in their own home and visitation with Lily when grandma comes a-callin'. Also, Julia's positive influence would ultimately negate Lovey's dysfunctional bullshit when she comes a-caliin' on occasion from out of town . Besides, what is ultimately in it for Lovey if she's on the crazy tip? Her daughter's dead and David is married to a new woman. The gravy train she was grooming for her daughter is over so what's the point in trying to crazy-up from here? Vengeance, maybe? But, I'm pretty sure, given her recent experience and age, Julia could easily take Lovey on (and out) if it came to down to it.

Being of the fairly left-leaning political persuasion, I can't help but chuckle at the "of course they do" irony of how con's are already established (or are becoming increasingly more involved) in an industry the right-wing has for so long regarded as a bastion of liberal elitism. Trump has his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, Louise Linton is writing and directing movies and her hubby producer Steven Mnuchin has his thumbs is a plethora of Tinseltown pies (some in partnership with #hetoo Brett Ratner, no less!) Next time your drunk uncle or sister-in-law starts whining about how some "...damn Hollyweird libtard should shut their mouth about politics and stick to acting," hip them to the fact that the Secretary of the Treasury of these here divided states is pretty darned cozy with them elitist SJW cucks they claim to have so much disdain for. Not that facts mean anything anymore in this day and age, by hey, it's still a pretty solid snack to feed trolls. Anyhoo... At some point during this stress-inducing movie after she had been gas-lit for as long as she had, I was waiting for Julia to turn to David and just tell him that shit has gotten far too weird for her; that she's packing up her stuff, going back to San Francisco and ghosting his inattentive ass to "...think things over for a while." At one point, Ali, after presenting Julia with a paper trail of Tessa's past criminal transgressions (which, it should be noted, never again come into play, even when Julia is hauled off to the police department), even suggests that Julia goes back with her to San Francisco. I was screaming at my television, "YES! DO THAT! DO EXACTLY THAT!" Then, in the scene where Tessa flails herself down the stairway, David looks up at Julia with this "How could you?" look on his face. This dude doesn't have Julia's back at all. He's already asking Julia to step into this established life with him and his daughter, and when shit gets real, he's seemingly taking the side of the woman he divorced for a myriad of good reasons. Now, this movie is already women vs. woman enough, so we have to settle for the cards it's dealt us. But, it's really not too much to ask that David stand by Julia and at least listen to her side of the story, is it? That scene in the police station where the detective is acting all dead-to-rights is absolutely infuriating. It's 2017 and you can trace "Julia's" Facebook account access back to Tessa's IP address? Fuck you, movie! Lastly, I listened to the podcast before watching the movie and was under the assumption that, from the way Jason and June regarded it, Julia drove this sad little Ford Fiesta down to her new luxurious life L.A. From their reaction to it, I was envisioning some beat-up aqua marine-colored two-door deal from the early 90's, not the modern C Max version we see Julia driving in the film. While it's not the car I'd buy, I could see someone in the tech/online industry driving this fairly sporty, youthful-ish and affordable hatchback (and one that fits into the narrow and rare parking spaces found in San Francisco). It telegraphs her character pretty well. I mean David drives a BMW in this movie, and he is pretty much a douche, so...

So, I may be mis-remembering this, but I seem to recall a line where, possibly during the climactic beat ‘em up scene, Deckard blames Brixton for killing Owen, or getting him killed. If so, that kinda sucks. I mean Jason Statham’s entry point into this franchise—his character’s little brother, Owen—essentially gets erased out of existence with a throwaway line of dialog. R.I.P. Owen Shaw, I guess... As much as I enjoyed the “chest math” that went into the scene where Hobbs and Shaw(s) escape in Deckard’s McClaren, I found it much more distressing that Hattie had to sit sandwiched between these two hulks in the cockpit of this fairly tight-quarters sports car. I’m typing this (slowly) on my iPad so I don’t even know how to include pictures of the interior of a McLaren 720c with this thing, but Google it and tell me if you think The Rock alone could fit comfortably inside one. Tall mentions Brixton’s Weyland Corp. tattoo, and I thought I saw it too when watching this movie. I agree with Tall that this film now exists inside a shared universe with the Alien franchise, but... I want to take this one step further and posit the theory that the producers of this film, in a methodical hyper-meta gambit, are gradually trying to systematically dissolve the walls between every film franchise in the world so that the F&F franchise can exist in pretty much any and every film franchise it wants to. I know this sounds slim, but hear me out: we have that Weyland Corporation tattoo, Deckard’s mention of using a Mini for an Italian Job, “Black Superman” (and the cut line about Brixton being the “black James Bond”), Ryan Reynold’s essentially playing Deadpool, Han is the same character from Better Luck Tomorrow, etc. Add to this... No, wait. I just watched Under the Silver Lake last night, and that film apparently really rubbed off on me. Sorry. Sorry. Moving on... Is Hobb’s daughter’s mother dead and was this already mentioned in a previous F&F film? Who took care of Hobb’s daughter when Hobb’s went out on missions/got imprisoned/beat asses like Cherokee drums in the previous films if he’s estranged from his extended family? I’m convinced that Brixton’s motorcycle is the love child of Bumblebee and KITT from Knight Rider. It’s a place I go to now. As much fun as this movie was, can we all just admit that nano-viruses are to action/spy movies what sky beams are to superhero movies? My biggest takeaway from this movie? That the application (or lack thereof) of make up is very important.

Seriously?!? Their gear alone (air tanks, wet suits, inflatable raft, etc.) would have set them back way more than any profits netted from this score. "Florida Man Attempts to Steal $200 Worth of Coral, Eaten by Shark."

I actually saw this movie in 3-D in the 80's. My older sister, who was stuck baby sitting me, snuck me into to a showing of Jaws 3-D at the crusty old second-run movie theater across the street from our house. She and her high school friends razed me every time I'd cover my eyes during the scary parts of the film (keep in mind, I was 9 years old). From what I can remember, the 3-D effects were indeed 3-D-ish, but not overly impressive. I do remember wearing the 3-D glasses to school the next day like I thought I was the absolute shit, only to be mercilessly made fun of by some older bmx-er/rocker dudes. Man, I've really been suppressing that memory for the last couple of decades... One of my favorite parts of this film occurs at beginning, after the water skiers tumble out of formation and fall into the water. The boat captain is trying desperately to re-start the boat's engine, which has, for some reason, stalled out. We, the audience, know Baby Jaws is lurking around the swimmers under water, but they do not. The boat captain, however, is reacting like he does know a shark is in the water, because, as he's trying to restart the boat, we see him frantically shifting the gear lever back and forth while repeating the line, "C'mon, baby! C'mon baby!" Now, I know next to nothing about boats, but I would think turning the key on the ignition repeatedly would be more effective in restarting a boat than shuffling between gears (I could be wrong). This would be like the stalled car scene in Double Indemnity, but instead of turning the key pumping the gas, Walter Neff frantically cycles through gears on the column shifter until the car eventually starts. Did Dennis Quaid's rigid jet ski riding posture reminded anyone else of GOB riding his Segway scooter on Arrested Development? I believe the push-over game in the bar is called "Roadhouse Chess." Or, it should be, at least. Besides narrating their escapades in the most ASMR-ish hushed voices they could muster, why were the two bumbling diver-thieves breaking into Sea World? And why was I rooting for the shark to kill these guys? Paul mentions that Quaid's character, Mike Brody, has absolutely no compunctions about jumping into the water fully clothed--shoes and all. The best instance of him doing so, however, occurs when his girlfriend, Kathryn, is trying to get out of the water and back on to the boat after getting rag-dolled underwater by Baby Jaws. He could have easily reached down, grabbed her arm and hoisted her onto the boat with him, but instead opts to jump into the water as she's climbing the boat's latter so he could push her up by her ass. This "action" move makes absolutely no sense and actually puts Mike in danger, too. Another poster commented on Momma Jaws' growling noises, which, to me, sounded like a dog. But did anyone else notice the obviously human-voiced ADR-ed dolphin noises? And how about that flawlessly rendered final celebratory still shot of the dolphins jumping out of the water with Mike and Kathryn lifting their arms in triumph? Still holds up!

I'd just like to start this movie recommendation by mentioning how elated I am that not only is HDTGM coming to my fair city--Portland, Oregon--but that I was able to get tickets to the show. So, you know: huzzah! Now, on the very slim chance that Paul, June, Jason, and (guest) already don't have the movies they plan on discussing mapped-out well in advance of HDTGM's upcoming national tour--and most likely won't be watching movies based on if they were filmed regionally in accordance to every city the podcast is visiting--I would like to make a pitch for a movie that was filmed here during a very bleak period in Portland's cinematic history: the 1992 sex-thriller Body of Evidence starring a full frontal cardboard cut-out of Madonna, Willem Defoe, Julianne Moore, Joe "Da Whackiest" Mantegna, Anne "The Archer" Archer ...and I wanna say David Duchovny, because of all that gratuitous sex scenes, but I don't think he's actually in this one. Yep, just like Basic Instinct, Jade and Color of Night, Body of Evidence is one of those sweaty boobdunnits so popular in the 90's. As this movie is so succinctly described on the its IMDB page, "A lawyer defends a woman accused of killing her older lover by having sex with him." Uh-huh. If you've been yearning for a film that features a sex scene involving that most sensual of fluids (burning hot candle wax), then you, my friends, are in for a real treat. Don't just take my word for how absolutely batshit bananagans perfect this movie is for HDTGM. Here's what Roger Ebert had to say about the film: "When it comes to eroticism, Body of Evidence is like Madonna's new book. It knows the words but not the music. All of the paraphernalia and lore of S & M sexuality are here, but none of the passion or even enjoyment. We are told by one witness that sex with the Madonna character is intense. It turns out later he's not a very reliable witness." Currently, it's free on Hulu. So, it's also got that going for it.

She's an insanely talented and multi-faceted actor: from Monster to Arrested Development to (the criminally underrated) Young Adult to Atomic Blond to one of the best HDTGM guests of all time. Seriously, what can't Charlize Theron do?

I have to say that my favorite part of this batshit bananas film has to be be the scene where Principle Nordham (Michael Ironside) furiously drives up the town's church to see Father Cooper just standing outside. The scene is set up for the two to discuss Nordham possibly coming clean over his guilt in his roll in Mary Lou's violent-yet-accidental murder. But taken out of the context of this movie, this scene plays like a forbidden, unrequited love affair: Principle Nordham looks out the windshield of his car and sees Father Cooper. Father Cooper stares back with puppy dog-eyed yearning. Principle Nordham then gets this "I can't do this anymore" look on his face and peels off, to wit Father Cooper calls out in a desperate plea, "Bill...!" What the fuck do Vicki's parents still see in each other? Her mom is this ultra religious zealot and her dad is this put-upon sad sack. Did they drift apart as Mrs. Carpenter started channeling Piper Laurie from Carrie, or was Mr. Carpenter becoming increasing lax in his Bible thumping ways? I do not get this pairing, like, at all. Also, the roll between Vicki and her mom would have played so much better if Vicki started out as an obedient, straight A student who becomes increasing out-of-control and essentially her mom's worst nightmare once Mary Lou takes over Vicki's body. Charlize Theron was absolute right about how disgusting the boys room in this movie was. This scene takes place in the 1950's, but that restroom looks like it's in a Greyhound bus terminal. Also, did anyone else notice the old time-y, high-up toilet tanks near the top the ceiling in the stalls? How old is this school? Is this a Canadian thing? I don't recall any of the toilets in the restrooms of schools I went to (grade school through college) having tanks; just pipes that went from the back of the toilet directly into the wall(s). Is the room Josh (Brock Simpson) hangs out in his own private space at the high school? It's not big enough to be a classroom and it's decked-out with all of his creature comforts (a mini fridge full of beer that looks like a TV, all of his computer equipment, a dartboard, an Albert Einstein poster, etc.) The dude seems to feel pretty secure in that room, as if no one (students or the school's insanely minuscule faculty) would just barge on in while he's receiving a coerced blowjob. Why are only Mary Lou and Vicki receiving prom royalty coronations? Traditionally, don't most (if not all) high schools crown a prom queen and king? Or is this a more progressive Canadian high school ritual where boys say, are allowed to get away with murdering students and then become the principle of the same schools their crimes occurred in while girls get tiaras and flame-resistant sashes? (Also, semi-but-not-really-related: remember the time Buffy Summers won the Class Protector award at the '99 Sunnydale High prom? Now that was a great prom!) Finally, a direct question for Paul: as a fellow Star Trek fan, do you watch The Orville? If so, what do you think of it?

I remember watching this movie and Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters back-to-back one day when I was home sick (and, apparently, mentally impaired). It seemed like a great double-header idea at the time, but ultimately left me feeling sick; like eating an entire box of Peeps and chasing it down with cotton candy and Jolt Cola.

Thank you for bringing this up. I was a little confused as to if Mrs. Ricky Martin was actively teaching science biology. In the beginning of the movie she sees her kid off to school and then goes back home to mill around in the kitchen. Shouldn’t she already be a school by this time in the morning? But, yeah... not to clothes shame Mrs. Ricky Martin, but is a tight skirt, pumps and fishnet stockings the best outfit for a science biology teacher to wear to school?

I love it when the dialogue in shitty movies is clearly speaking to the audience because it doesn't trust them to pick up on visual cues. This movie had an overabundance of this sort of gap-filling. My favorite example of this is when Kim Basinger's Mrs. Ricky Martin cuts the cop/goon/professional wrestler's arm with a shard of glass after he discovers that she's found a way to use the phone in the attic. She slices the inside of his arm and he gets all shaky and asks her what she did to him. She then proceeds to give this dying man a "science biology" lesson on the brachial artery and how he will bleed-out and 30 minutes. Time is of the essence and she needs to rescue her kid and get the hell out of there... and she's lecturing this dying goon on arterial blood flow?!? Had she skipped this One to Grow On, she would have had ample time to bust Ricky Martin Jr. out of the garage and escape before Angelino-American Jason Statham and his crew returned. Then I read this comment on the movie's IMDB Goofs page: When Jessica cuts the goon's arm she tells him that he will bleed 30 liters/minute. The blood flow through a brachial artery is nowhere near that much. During vigorous exercise the entire heart puts out a total of 30 L/min, but that's the sum total flow through every artery of the body. The flow though a single brachial artery is fraction of that. In addition, the goon was not vigorously exercising. At rest, the cardiac output is about 5 L/min.

Here's my list: 1. Maximum Overdrive 2. 3. Southland Tales 4. 5. Showgirls I know Paul said in the latest Minisode (86.5) that Showgirls' pure awfulness has been covered enough by other outlets, but I'm still holding out hope that this cinematic ipecac will be episode 100.

I had an idea similar to yours. Each week, a different guest would interview Paul based on a starter paragraph outlining one of his past misadventures. And this podcast would be called How Did We Get Scheer?

The one line that got me the most in this movie was MJH describing her exceptionally spacious loft apartment as a crappy dump. Mind you, it is decorated in copious amounts of curtains (even the bathroom is partitioned in bathtub curtains - which, for any date she brings home that suddenly needs to take a dump, is very unfortunate, audio-wise). Even in 2007, her loft apartment would have been going for big bucks, and her artist ass would have been gentrified out of that space once the Yuppie transplants started moving into the urban core. The ice skating scene really got me because the bandstand is in the middle of the frozen lake or lagoon or whatever that body of water is. Does this mean in the autumn, spring and summer months, the bandstand is just floating out in the middle of the water? If you were kidnapped and granted access to a cell phone, which number would you call first? If you said "911," then you are a fuckin' idiot! Everyone knows you call your vacuous girlfriend's drunk parents first. MarLo and the dad go into town for "extra virgin olive oil." MarLo get's no help from the store owner when he explains he's been kidnapped and needs to use the store's phone. His next move should have been to tackle the dad, grab the car keys and drive the fuck outta there. I mean, right? During the dinner scene, MJH's sister admits to her parents that she has taken her tuition money and is going to open a palattes studio in California. The dad seems mildly angry, but not nearly as angry as he should be. His daughter basically embezzled tens of thousands dollars in tuition payments under the false pretense of going to law school so that she could have seed money for her new studio 3,000 miles away. On that notes, when learning that his daughter is moving to California, the dad makes a very dated crack about this being the place where are the whackadoos live. Hey Dubya, that line would have worked in John McClane's day, but it's 2007. Have you been to Florida?