Blast Hardcheese

The *spoiler heavy* Half In the Bag review of Star Wars: the Force Awakens is also pretty funny, if for no other reason than to hear Rich Evans as Chris Kringle wax poetic about employing "legless midgets" after their foster home burned down.

Is Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever the worst movie of all time? This article seems to think so: http://www.ozy.com/acumen/whats-the-worst-movie-ever/65509 Agree? Or disagree?

So, I'm home from work sick today and decided against my better judgement to watch Escape from L.A. It's been twenty years since I've seen it and decided to give it a go. How bad can it still be, right? Bad. Bad bad. The crappy acting, the rehashing of everything that made Escape from New York great but missing the mark completely, the scenes that defy logic and physics, lifeless "action": yes it's all in there. But above anything else that makes Escape from L.A. absolutely fuckin' terrible (and absolutely fuckin' perfect for HDTGM) is the abysmal CGI. Remember that old television series Land of the Lost? The one where this family is transported back in time to the age of the dinosaur (right?) It spliced crappy stop motion with live action, and it's hilarious and cheesy. Well, the CGI in Escape from L.A. is essentially that, but somehow worse: live action cut seamfully with cartoon-looking CGI. One comment on this board mentioned that it looks like bad video game cut scenes from the 90's (check!) The CGI honestly looks on par with Syfy Channel movies, but without the "charm." It's unforgivably awful. Like the plastic surgery addicts depicted in this film, the CGI has aged this movie, badly. Bump. Bump. BUMP!

You'd keep them in the... in... the... ah... Shit! Okay, well that actually makes sense.

This, back-to-back-to-back with Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters and I, Frankenstein. Wait, no. That's a terrible idea.

Oh. My! GOD!!! How insanely idiotic was that shit??? There were grenades in the fruit bowl!!! I hope Bruno's character in this movie doesn't have grand kids.

Leonard Part 6 was the exact movie I was thinking of when I read this piece. B:EvS looks (and, from it's reviews, sounds) bad, but is it as horrific as LP6?!? While I haven't seen the former, the latter is easily one of the worst cinematic experiences I've ever subjected myself to. After watching this movie, I felt ...gross. It hurt me. It made me question humanity. It made me question my judgment. How indeed did this awful film get made? That being said, I'd enjoy hearing HDTGM cover B:EvS. It may not be as God-awful as LP6, but B:EvS sounds enjoyably stupid, nonetheless.

Oh, it is!

Around the time Frank Miller was telling his side of the whole RoboCop 2 debacle, I remember feeling a bit sorry for the guy. I mean, here was the man who gave the world The Dark Knight Returns talking about getting his script for the RoboCop sequel butchered and feeling like a hydrant in a town full of dogs (or however he put it back then.) How could you not feel for the dude? Then a couple of years later, some ex-Orion suit let it leak that Miller's script was absolutely unfilmable. Miller's answer to that was the Frank Miller's RoboCop comic run, which was even more mean-spirited, joyless and misogynistic than the film was. It was a jumbled fuckin' mess. Right before this, Miller had a Hollywood resurgence co-directing the film adaptation of Sin City with Robert Rodriquez (who I imagine was holding Miller's hand the whole way through). Based on the success of that film, Miller got a greenlight for his version of The Spirit. You gotta love how he basically grafted his stylized hard-shadow/light play Sin City look to Eisner's noir-ish world. I suppose Miller figured that trick worked once, why not replicate it again. The result is haphazard and tone deaf. I made it 30 minutes into The Spirit before turning it off. I had no idea who anyone was, what their motivations were and why I should care about anything I was seeing on the screen. This movie (or what I saw of it) made me deeply sad. Will Esiner deserves much, much better than this. It's bad enough that The Spirit is dreary and cynical, but it's also perplexing and boring to boot. From the cast to the crew to the poor saps who sat all the way through it, this film is a huge waste of everyone's time. So, yes: highly recommended for HDTGM.

Could the entire movie be 12 year-old Dade's fantasy? Like, he's just some average, insignificant kid, and this is the world he dreams up for his older, teenage self?

Thank you! Yes, this movie is horrible, but is it Mano: The Hands of Fate, Birdemic: Shock and Terror or The Room bad? Not even in the slightest.

I'm in!

To be fair, Sam Waterson was hotter back then.

Hackers is tearing us apart!!!

Finally! Someone who totally gets this podcast.

Let's not forget Joel Schumacher's other foray into David Fincher-esque deviant/mystery territory, 8mm. At least that turd had the good graces to star Nicholas Cage. At least now we know the answer to "Would Nicholas Cage be better in The Number 23?"

Oh, am I projecting my dreams again???

So, was I the only one pining for the 90's while watching this horrible movie? Not that Hackers represents in any way, shape or form the things I miss about the 90's, but there are pieces here and there. Like, I was never a huge Pearl Jam fan back when, but now every time I hear one of their songs in passing, they kind of make me all misty of the salad days. I purposefully avoided this movie when it was released. I worked at Tower Records when it came out on VHS, and one of my fellow, seriously annoying coworkers played it once everyday in the video section of the store (It was her, "...favorite movie of all time!") The scenes of this movie I would catch in passing seemed tone-deaf, cheesy and patronizing. After finally watching this film recently in it entirety, I'm glad to see that I was completely correct in that earlier assessment of it, salad days feels be damned. Also, there was a time there when Angelina Jolie's pixie-haired tough girl was totally my type. I say was, but that aesthetic still totally does it for me. Homina, homina, homina! Sorry, June. Okay, corrections and omissions: 1. I love the scene when Jonny Lee Miller is about to take a shower and his mom apologies for moving them to New York City. Like, "Sorry I moved you to one of the most exciting cities on the planet son. I know that this city (as depicted in this film) is practically a playground for teenagers, and there are access ramps everywhere for your rollerblades. How can I make moving to this hell hole up to you?" 2. Why don't the cops simply raid the TGI Fridays Hackers den? All of the Hackers are there, like, all the time. They could have saved themselves a ton of trips arresting Hackers in one obvious location? 3. The scene where Nikon realizes that Jonny Lee Miller's character is the famed Zero Cool, he acts surprised to learn that Zero Cool isn't black. Did the 12 year-old Zero Cool hack in a certain race-based way? 4. Lorraine Bracho's acting was absolutely fuckin' terrible. Her ADR'd line on the escalator is particularly - laughably - horrible. "I don't wanna go to jail for this" 5. Would you trust your company's computer system to a man who insists on being called "Plague" and rides a skateboard in a comically evil way? 6. Did anyone else besides Plague not see the horrible design flaw with those oil tankers? Flooding the ballasts would cause them to capsize!?! Get on fixing that, multi-billion dollar net worth company!!! 7. Jonny Lee Miller's American accent is barely passable. Also, you gotta love his Caesar hair cut. With all this 90's revivalism going on now, when will we see that hair style making a comeback? 8. The television station's robot movie-grabber hand fight at the beginning of the film: that right there is the "Genisys" of Skynet! 9. This film would pair nicely with another absolutely shit, teen slacker pandering film from the same time: Empire Records. Talk about self torture viewing.

Yeah, but Speed Racer was a spastic, seizure-iducing turd. Had it been produced in the "vintage" anime style, but with sly, modern comediac overtones, it just might have been a subversive cult classic (and yes, I know you can't "make" a cult movie al a Snake On A Plane, but humor me here). I know it's too much to expect out-of-the-box ideas from Hollywood (especially when it comes to grafting those ideas onto well-worn properties in order to maximize profits), but a moviegoer can dream, can't they?

The only guest this episode would require is Mr. Plinkett.

I often wonder with throwback properties like this why we can't get the full, nostalgic experience. Why not a two-hour 80's-style cartoon movie with the original voice actors, "vintage" animation and in-jokes? It worked brilliantly on that one episode Community where Jeff overdosed on "youth pills" and Scotch and had a G.I.Joe cartoon-like dream. Why do we need this continual parade of repro properties from 30 years ago with Gen-Y/Millennial updates, anyway? Why is this generation being robbed of having their own nostalgia? When they are in their 30's and 40's, are they really going to fondly remember this shit? I'm in my early 40's and I have fond memories of Robocop, Point Break and Total Recall. These youngin's will have not-so-fond memories of how all of the remakes of these original films were uninspired, tedious and boring.

Andrew McCarthy is a yuppie who dumps his richie-rich bride-to-be when he falls in love with a backwoods hick in the form of Molly Ringwald. But get this: she's 16 ...and already married! Uh-oh!!! Can these two star crossed lovers make it work? Can two actors throw away their post-John Hughes film careers? And what the fuck is a "fresh horse" anyway?

I love the cinematography in Tony Scott's films. This film in particular proved that the man could really polish a turd. R.I.P. Tony Scott.

Presumably, The Kool Aid Man and Joe Camel was already taken.

Black Dahlia is absolute garbage, but in the best possible way.