jaymanthegreat

Hark! The trumpet sounds forth the call! Make ready the pandas of war!

I got my fog machine, black lights, and glow-spray. Let's do this, Grandma.

Alright BK, let's have it your way, just once.

My crib be so huge I need to turn on phone's location settings just to find a toilet.

The kids made fun of Ricky, for he couldn't climb the rope in gym class. If only he told them he was a fish and had no hands. Or feet. And was dead.

I just met a girl named Maria, which California is in no way difficult to do.

This year I'm making a Jane-O'-Lantern, because I prefer using a serrated blade to carve ladies' faces, not dudes'. #NoHomo

Every time a little boy toots, a kitty has an aneurism. That's what Daddy says.

Hey Giving Tree! Why don't you make that boy of yours earn his apples instead giving him a freaking handout!

Brothers, hear me now! They may take Discover, MasterCard, and American Express, but they will never take our Chase Freeeeeedooooom!

The third pickle is always the hardest.

When the sun goes down on this city, be sure to have a camera ready. Celeb sex tapes are all the rage and the sun is so hot right now.

Sweet is the sound of my lover's sigh, tasty is the flavor of her oatmeal.

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Then again, it took Noah six weeks to eat the whole sheep as the Lord commandethed him.

Meatball Monday, Taco Tuesday, Weiner Wednesday... My meal plan or sex schedule? Why not both?!

Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, Vegetarian, Obstetrician... I can't stand any of 'em!

Doctor says I wipe my butt too much, but joke's on him, 'cause it's not my butt!

Many sleep in the nude, but I sleep In The Mood by Glenn Miller

Fun fact: no fun fact has ever been fun.

A lack of planning on your end does not constitute an emergency on mine, God.

I got the edge of my sleeve wet while washing my hands. Day ruined!

The sight of a 400 lb walrus is arousing to other walruses.

I will give Facebook posts a thumbs-up. I will give tweets a star. BUT I REFUSE to give instagrams a heart!

One box of Mac n Cheese never seems like enough, but two boxes is waaay too much.