Cameron H.

Are you kidding? Fuck. This. Guy. This is the dude who, when mixing a cocktail of highly volatile chemicals, allows his idiot brother to drop an entire slice of pizza into the pot. Will it completely negate the effects of their anti-mutagen? He doesn't know! He just keeps on mixing it like a dumbass. The Ninja Turtles are going into the battle of their lives and their whole plain rests on making sure this stuff works and he doesn't say a fucking word. That's downright irresponsible!

This also calls into question the entire time line of the movie in relation to the first movie. It felt to me like this was supposed to be like months after the first movie the way they discuss Shredder's demise like an old war story. Which makes me think, has he been in the dump for months? Was he just surviving on old baby diapers and loose syringes? But then the movie shows the foot clan showing up at their garbage dump hideaway which implies that it Shredder's "death" just happened. So, the Turtles saved the city, ordered a pizza, beat up some criminals, and began talking about what they just did a couple hours ago? That's weird...

Here's something I've been mulling over since the episode, I'm not sure how well I'll be able to articulate it, but I'll do my best.... So parenting groups had issues with the violence in the first movie, and based on their pressure, the studio made the decision to sheath their weapons--well, all except Donatello who uses his staff a couple of times, but that more or less dovetails with my point. So, no weapons--weapons I would argue very few children would have any access to, especially in the halcyon, pre-Internet days. At best, kids would be play fighting with wiffle ball bats, sticks, or whatever other non-lethal toy they could get their hands on to make pretend--something, I should point out, kids were already doing prior to both movies. And, as far as the first movie goes, even though they did use their weapons, I seem to remember it being a pretty bloodless affair. So you take away the use of weapons, again objects very few kids would have access to, and replace them with objects like a yo-yo, a toy I would argue almost every single child in the world owns. In the movie, Michelangelo knocks like 8 thugs the fuck out by whipping a yo-yo over his head. You know, the exact same thing he would have done had he been allowed to use his nunchucks. So, if their arguments are to be believed and kids will emulate what they see their heroes doing on screen, what's to stop a six year old from thinking, "Hey, I don't have nunchucks, but holy crap, I can't wait to get home and clock my sister with my Duncan yo-yo?" I also think this is why Donatello (regrettably) had more screen time as, of all the Turtles, he actually is able to use his staff a couple of times--a weapon not recognized as being overtly lethal. But, then again, it is just a long stick, and we all know a child could never get their grubby little fingers on something as exotic as a plain, wooden stick.... So in summary, yes, they took away the Turtles weapons, but for some reason came up with the brilliant plan of replacing them with everyday objects that kids could now go home and weaponize. Good call Parents of America! You're doing the Lord's work!

Yeah, I totally agree with you and all your points. What bugged me is they go after the ooze after they see the news broadcast all because Splinter says something like, "If the contents of this canister was not unique the city may be in grave danger." It's been fifteen years--and for all that time--these canisters have existed and nothing has happened, but because Splinter is now aware of their existence, the movie wants us to believe that the city is in more danger than it's ever been. That's not how shit works! The movie's inciting incident is entirely predicated on Spliter's questionable grasp of object permanence. Then, once the Turtles arrive at the laboratory, Donatello reads off a computer screen full of serial numbers that are each labeled "Disposed." Michelangelo comes up to them holding two empty canisters and says something like, "Sorry, dudes. It's all gone." Isn't that the whole point of your mission? Weren't you trying to make sure the stuff was all gone to 'protect the city'? Why are they so disappointed? You're work is done, you dummies. Go home, eat some pizza, and finger your cloacae--or whatever the fuck teenage reptiles do...

Not to mention Matt Murdock (Daredevil) has a cameo of sorts in the first issue. The boy who saves the old man is supposed to be a young Matt Murdock, and the ooze that mutates the Turtles is supposed to be the same substance that blinds Murdock and gives him his powers. Make that show Netflix! That's right , Taylorannephoto! If we're all nerds then then I'm gonna do my best to out nerd everyone!

My memory is already getting a bit fuzzy on the details, but how did Vanilla Ice know that the Foot were the bad guys and not the gigantic green monsters they were fighting? Follow up: why did the Shredder choose for their final confrontation a construction site next to a very busy night club with extremely flimsy walls? Or should the question be, why was this nightclub in an incredibly sketchy part of town next to a construction site?

If you mean he can sit in front of an unlocked computer, press the up and down arrow keys a couple of times, read what is currently on the screen, make no attempt to access any other files, and throw his hands up to the mystery of it all, then yes, I suppose Donatello can use a computer. (Head's up guys, I've got a lot of issues with this Donnie fella) I don't know who you're talking to, I'm cool as shit.

Two notes on ninjas and the "art of invisibility" as it's depicted in this movie. When Splinter makes his first appearance, he admonishes Raphael for hanging out of a window stating, "You are a ninja. You must always practice the art of invisibility." But later, as mentioned on the show, Splinter himself just decides to go meditate on the roof of the New York City apartment building?? Fucking hypocrite! I mean, I've never been to New York, but I can't imagine that a five foot tall rat, dressed in rags, and sitting in the lotus position on the roof of an apartment building would go unnoticed for too long. My second head scratcher was when The Shredder sends one of his minions to infiltrate April's news crew. This dude (who somehow lands a job on a very prominent reporter's news crew in less than a day) excuses himself, dresses in full Foot Clan regalia, corners April, presses her against a wall, and then...proceeds to unmask himself? Why not just deliver the Shredder's message, but remain incognito? Or, if he's just going to reveal himself anyway, why bother getting all ninja-ed out in the first place? I hate to say it, but I think this movie might be dumb.

Post retracted in fear that the joke I was making may actually result in the event I was mocking. As cool as this place is, I sometimes forget that this is the Internet. Instead, I'll just leave this...

I can’t help but thinking it’s achingly apparent that Donatello could have definitely benefited from a little more time in the ooze when they were initially exposed. Canonically, he’s supposed to be the genius of the four turtles, yet in this movie becomes so enamored by an inflatable clown (so much so that I legitimately thought he was going to fuck it) that he completely ignores the thirty person melee he is currently engaged in with a gang of Hagar slacks wearing robbers. Furthermore, he evidently can’t come up with a single synonym to say something is “excellent.” Perestroika? A Capella? Frères Jacques? What the shit is he even trying to say? I mean, I guess it’s nice that he seems to know a few polysyllabic words, but parroting them without a true an understanding of their definition shows a marked lack of perspicacity. Suck on that, Donatello!

I figured it had to be a technical glitch since the episode had already been recorded. But honestly, the fact it wasn't up this morning was almost a relief for me since my stupid job wanted me to come in for a stupid meeting first thing in the morning. Just the thought of an episode being up and me not being able to listen to it right away was making me very, very anxious. It's like my employer doesn't even care that a new episode of HDTGM is about to drop...

I'm so, so sorry.

It seems to be pretty clear that most of us disagree. When I'm listening to a podcast and there's something I don't like, I just don't say anything. It's extremely simple and takes literally no effort. No one needs to hear my negativity or anyone else's. Don't get angry because people like something that you don't, that's asinine. You have the right to not like Janet Varney's humor or whatever, but in turn, if you want to post that opinion on a public forum set up for fans of a show that she has been a major player on, be prepared for some backlash. If I'm reading your post right, you're basically saying that you personally should be allowed to go online and say whatever bullshit you want about anyone you want, but we don't have the right to say whatever we want about you. Sorry, and I hate to be the one to break it to you, but Freedom of Speech is a two way street, man.

The one thing I can say about Batman & Robin is, when I think about it, it is probably the Batman movie I have deliberately revisited the most often. Don't get me wrong, it's an objectively awful movie, and it's good that Shumacher never made another one, but I've seen it multiple times, whereas I have only seen each of the Nolan films once and the other Batman films maybe a couple of times each. Batman & Robin is so gloriously inept, that I find it a joy to watch. Then again, I'm not much of a DC fan (and consequently not much of a Batman fan) so I don't have a personal stake in how he is represented on screen. All I'm saying is, if you put Batman & Robin in, I'm probably going to watch it to the end, but when I last tried to watch Batman Forever (which, like Fister, I remembered actually liking when I was younger) I only made it through the first five minutes. The funny thing is, taking this back to Ninja Turtles, even with a movie as bad as Batman & Robin, I can see--no matter what my personal opinion may be--why some people might like it. However, re-watching Secret of the Ooze has been a painful lesson in humility and the power of nostalgia. I LOVED the Ninja Turtles growing up, but everything I have exposed myself this week just boggles my mind. I question how, even as a dumbass kid, I could have ever liked it. This has been my experience this week: "Wow, that was a lot worse than I remember it being, but the first movie was good. Oh wait...Nope, the first movie really wasn't that great either. Hmmm...well, the cartoon was good. [i watch five seconds of the cartoon] Fuck...." I guess what I'm trying to say is, a person can watch B&R and still walk away thinking they weren't wrong or stupid for liking Batman, but watching Secret of the Ooze has called into question nearly everything I have ever liked.

Oh my God...monsters exist? Someone please hold me...

Tayloranne, you HAVE to watch it! Fister, myself, and many of the other's here, grew up with this crap, so no matter how terrible it is (and it is truly, truly terrible) we'll always be watching it through rose-colored, nostalgia goggles. Your posts are always so great, please don't deprive us of your pure and objective take on it. Honestly, after revisiting this movie after so long and knowing the amount of hours I spent in the throes of full blown Turtlemania as a child, I am surprised my parents didn't just leave me on a rocky beach in the middle of nowhere and say, "His fate is up to the Gods now. Hopefully we'll do better with the next one..."

Too true. Too true. I mean, look at these jokers: Sloppy. No rhythm. Un-choreographed. And nary a knife to be seen. These fuckers would get owned by those dudes in the "Beat It" video. *sigh* Life on the streets...People just don't know.

I don't see how we can assume otherwise... You mean the battalion of hoodlums with ecru pantyhose covering their faces didn't scream, "This is what life on the street looks like" to you?

Sorry, I've never seen The Commitments, but you brought up a memory for me. When I was growing up we had the VHS of the first Turtles movie and this Pizza Hut commercial is now indelibly written in my DNA: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JA6Zsxicrc8 EDITED TO ADD: I just watched the trailer for The Commitments. Wow. Who ever thought that was a good trailer to put before The Secret of the Ooze? Here's a movie about a group of young, working class Irishmen who want to start a soul music group. Will there be lots of smoking in it? Yes. Will a skeezy, mustachioed gentlemen lay naked atop a woman as if they are about to engage in sexual congress? Oh God, yes! Now, onto your feature film based on a Saturday morning cartoon filled with wacky sound effects.

I hate to break it to you, but I think the trailer really was just that bad... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=al9jfY7zOBY The part in the trailer that I really enjoyed is when the VO guy heavily implies that the Turtles will just let your ass get wrecked if you aren't actively carrying a pizza: "...knowing, when pizza is close by, help is never far away." Knowing that, I would have loved a scene to play out like this: DONATELLO: Mikey! That old lady is getting mugged! [Draws Bo staff] We gotta save her! MICHELANGELO: [Leaning against a wall. Disinterested] Does she have any pizza? DONATELLO: Well, no... MICHELANGELO: [Eyes narrow. Whispers] Fuck her.

Yeah, I totally get that! I was watching it this morning and wondered the same thing. If you don't have at least a working Turtle baseline, I can't imagine this movie is even a little bit coherent. But, you'll be happy to know, June was there as it was done the same night as Hercules. I'm actually more curious to hear Jason's take as I feel he would have been a little old for the cartoons and movies, but the right age to have maybe read the original comic book run. That's not to say that he DID read them, just that--as a comic book fan--I wouldn't be surprised if he had.

I think I used to get a lot more worked up about product placement, but like Lando, I've more or less given up on it. I'm not sure how things are in Ireland, FirstTimeCaller, but in America I am so inundated with ads for this or that product, that I find it more jarring when they try to use an ersatz product for something pretty common. For instance, I would be far more likely to be taken out of a movie if the characters were drinking "Lager" brand beer or "Rude Bull."

My guess is probably Fast 7. I had a feeling that since they didn't do it while it was still in theaters that they would probably wait until it came out digitally. The DVD is supposed to come out September 7th, which would mean the digital release would come out a couple weeks earlier, and that would line up almost perfectly. Honestly, that would make me happy since I wasn't able to see it in the theaters. As for the other movie, I hope it is Dreamcatcher. I remember seeing that in the theater and thinking, "Well, I'm sure the book is good." I then read it it and was like, "Wow, it's all right up there on the screen. Amazing."

Oh, I know. I was just teasing. I had a good laugh about it last night. I know he didn't mean it the way it came out. He's always been very nice. No complaints. Agreed. I think he pulled a good quote from her and I'm glad she got her voice heard.

Yeah, as a huge Turtle fan as I kid, this pissed me off as well. I also never understood why the Foot weren't robots in the films. It wasn't until I was older, when I learned about rights and stuff, that I realized that the movie (the first one anyway) was very much in line with the original comic books and the Foot Clan weren't originally robots. It's really a damn shame they couldn't go with a robot Foot Clan though, I think the movie(s) could have been so much cooler as the Turtles could have let loose more. It reminds me of something mentioned on Rachel and Miles X-plain the X-men and how Marvel had this character with metal claws (a little known character whose name escapes me) whom Marvel wanted us to think was this badass, murderous dude, but they never could show him actually DO anything. The only time you could see him cut loose is if the X-Men were fighting the Sentinels. The X-Men cartoon used to drive me crazy for the same reason, this character (God, I wish I could remember his name) would go: "RahhrrrRRRR!" and pop his claws, but in the next scene (if they were fighting non-robots), the claws would be gone. Fuck that, man! That's your power! Gut those dudes! Still, it could have been worse... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-S6mOBRi-Zk