Cameron H.

So, I think we can all agree that--in the world of this movie--our tax dollars are 100% going toward questionable medical procedures in lieu of paying our law enforcement officials to give the tiniest sliver of a fuck. Here are two examples: June brought up when Travoltage jumps off the oil rig prison and somehow manages to make it all the way to Spago, but what wasn't mentioned was as soon as he hits the water, the film cuts to the helicopter pilot who basically shrugs and flies off. First of all, the rig is in the ocean so there is a good possibility he could survive. Also, as far as I know, bodies are pretty buoyant, so even if he did die from the jump, his body should pop up in relatively the same spot. Hey Mr. Pilot, maybe hang around for second or two before you punch out for the day... I mean, land is clearly within shouting distance which should give you a pretty good indicator of which direction he would go. I'll tell you what, if you don't see his shattered corpse float to the surface after a couple of seconds, maybe make a couple of passes to see if he might be swimming to shore. Plus, he's not Aquaman! He is going to have to come up for air at sometime. You are in a helicopter! Find that son of a bitch! My second example is just after the escape and Cavolta returns to the office their secret headquarters that everyone seems to know about. Margret Cho comes up to him and says, "Good news! Castor is dead," but when he demands to see the body she says, "We haven't recovered it yet, but even if he survived he wouldn't be stupid enough to come back here." Um...this is a sadistic, domestic terrorist that has been in operation for over six years, and you are in the FBI! I could see how if you were in the LAPD you could take some solace knowing he might not come back to your city, but it still might be a good idea to go ahead and apprehend him before he blows up some other city. Just saying...

Holy Shit, FirstTimeCaller! I think you just cracked the code! I'm sending a cyber, face-waterfall your way!

Excellent episode! Everyone was great! I don't want this to to come off as body shaming, but as the actors' weight disparity was brought up in both the movie and briefly in the episode, I feel like I can bring up a point that I found to be mind-boggling. At the end of the movie, as Archer is being placed in the ambulance, he tells the EMT about the scar on his chest and tells the guy that when they put him back together feel free to fix it. My question is, was there a scene cut from the movie where--just after he tells him this--he grabs the guy's wrist and adds, "But the love handles...yeah, I'm going to be wanting those back...?" How would you even go about doing that? I understand abdominoplasty and liposuction, but what would they do, just put a hose in him and just pump 15-20 pounds of body fat back into him? That can't be healthy.

Y'know...upon further consideration, and I am not sure how to put this bug in Paul's ear, but this could be a pretty fun addition to the mini-episodes. It could be called something like, "Exit Strategies: Professor Paul's Compendium of Cinematic Cyanide." Basically, we could submit tropes that we find to be signs of a bad movie, and he could use his expert knowledge of crappy movies to make the final determination as whether or not they belong in the Compendium. Shit, if he gets enough, he could probably compile them into a coffee table book or something. Fuck, why am I not doing that? I've got to start saving some of these ideas for myself...We're talking, potentially, hundreds of dollars here. I just really like this idea. If it would be a time issue for the mini-episodes, I wouldn't be too upset if this replaced the "Would Nic Cage Be Better..." segment. I know that's probably not a popular opinion, but, let's face facts, the answer is almost always "yes."

Good question, D2MB! Personally, I would say anytime there is an old person in a movie and they cuss for the sake of "comedy," you're probably watching a bad movie. To clarify, it's not not that an old person is cursing or shouldn't be allowed to cuss, but that their swearing is supposed to be the joke. For example, all of Betty White's dialog in Lake Placid. And, not to get hung up on old people, I don't recall watching a movie where at some point an older person (let's say 55+) starts rapping as ever being a particularly enjoyable experience... EDITED TO ADD: Come to think of it...why be ageist? Anytime any character raps in a movie, full stop. And, if somewhere in the course of the person's poorly busted rhyme they manage to drop their character's name, game fucking over! I can't think of a single instance where this ever came off as looking cool. My only caveat to this would be if the movie is specifically about someone becoming a rapper. If that's the case, I might give it a pass. Also, to add to Paul's list, I want to say in the Hudson Hawk episode (I could be wrong) he also included "anytime a picture in a book morphs into live action" as being another sign you are about to watch a bad movie.

I had the same thought, Jarry! Many times the movie seemed to forget that only their faces were swapped. In fact, I was going to propose that an alternate title for the movie should be Face/Off: Down to the Dick as the surgeons must have been incredibly thorough... This is also not accounting for their individual Fuck Styles™ which I can only imagine would have been wildly different as well.

Oh, I have no doubt. The problem (not really) is I have a full-time toddler toddling about. I am living in a new area with no friends or family nearby and I really don't trust these new fangled teenagers with their One Directions and Justin Beibers to babysit him. I don't need my son to get exposed to those kinds of shenanigans. I go see F7, and the next thing you know my son's in a boyband! Fuck that! Not on my watch! So, I have three possible solutions: I suppose I could steal it, but I'm not really down with that. I like people to get compensated for their work. (Yeah, I'm that guy.) I can drop him at a firehouse drop off center, but I am sort of attached to him and would be afraid I might have trouble getting him back. Or, and I think this might be the simplest solution, is to just bring him with me and just have his tiny head blown clear off by its sheer magnificence. I mean, where is he going to learn about the physics of driving a car through the window of one skyscraper and into another? And he's got to learn to be a man from someone, right? Who's better suited for that, me or Vin Diesel? ....That's what I thought.

I think they were waiting until May when Adam Scott's schedule freed up. Unfortunately, I don't think I will be able to see F7 until it comes out to rent/purchase

Here's my thing. I thought the show was fantastic, and I thought Seth did okay as a guest. The only book of his that I have read is Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, and I have seen Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. The only place he really lost me during the episode was the whole "consensual sex with a seven-year-old" joke. As a father (and really as a person with a conscience) I can say that jokes about rape and pedophilia really don't land for me. Maybe I'm being too sensitive, and I'm okay with that. It's my "comedy demarcation line," and I'll stand by it. What's odd about that though is I can still listen to the Over the Top episode and hear Bobby Moynihan, Jason, and (maybe?) Paul make jokes about Stallone and his son and laugh hysterically. I can't really put a finger on the difference, but I assume it's a contextual thing that comes from being a professional comedian and just knowing what works and what doesn't. Don't get me wrong, I didn't get angry, nor do I fault him for one ill-advised joke. I feel the rest of the episode went off without a hitch. I just think he got caught up in the moment and blurted it out without really thinking it through, and that is something that--I feel confident in saying--can happen to the best of us. What I did find privately funny (especially after viewing his iMDB page), was hearing him list off his upcoming projects. His plugs were for the P&P&Z movie, Lego Batman, and IT (his iMDB page also includes Beetlejuice 2 and Dark Shadows). Now, I'm not trying to poo-poo someone who is clearly adept at his craft, God knows he's had more published than I, but all I can think to myself is, "Ah! So you're the 'I make adaptations of existing properties' guy!"

This observation might be colored by my own bias as an avowed homebody, but.... Ignoring the tug boat taxi that Poe takes to meet his wife, why is Poe even meeting up with his wife at the bar? Certainly his homecoming isn't a surprise. Would it really have been too much for her to ask for the night off? I mean, as an Army Ranger, presumably he's been enlisted for years, and here he is, home at last, safe and sound, and he's got to meet her at her work?? My job is relatively low stress and pretty safe, but when I get home, Holy Crap, it's cuddle time. I mean, I assume they aren't drinking with her being pregnant and all... But maybe I'm wrong, and maybe she's not working that night. Maybe they just decided that her place of employment was the perfect place to have their joyous reunion, but does that make sense?? That would be like meeting your SO at their office and slow dancing in the copy room while Creepy Kevin, the skeevy guy whose job title no one really knows, ogles the two of you with concupiscent eyes as he pretends to fax something.

Y'know...just because someone doesn't laugh at a joke, doesn't mean they don't "get it."

Con Air goes to some lengths to convince us that Cyrus the Virus is kind of genius. In fact, I would go so far as to argue, even if they are not on Cyrus' intellectual level, none of the criminals seem to be cripplingly stupid. That being said, how come no one thinks to frisk or otherwise search the corpse of the man who smuggled a gun on a plane full of convicts and identified himself as a DEA agent? At the very least he might have another gun they could use, but using a modicum of deductive reasoning, they should have been able to suss out that he is probably wired. Their line of thinking would be something like: he's a DEA agent, none of us are being incarcerated for drugs, we're already in prison, why would he be on this plane? This is obviously ignoring the fact that Cyrus is already in cahoots with Cindino which would make it even more obvious. It should be a pretty easy logic leap for Cyrus to figure out the only reason he is there is to get something out of Cindino, and for any confession or information he might get to stick in court, he would probably need to provide some kind of evidence other than "Cross my heart and hope to die, Cindino confessed to everything."

While I agree with you on the ridiculousness and logistics of wearing a head for a hat through three states, I was under the impression this "head hat" was the that of a child. It could be semantics, but he says he wore the head of a "girl," not a "woman." Also, Garland is separated from the rest of gen pop, hence the Hannibal Lector face mask. Given these facts, I think we are 100% supposed to believe that he is capable killing a child. At no point does Greene try to ingratiate himself with the other prisoners, nor would a sociopath care what others think of him/her. What is perplexing though is, after telling Poe he is capable of kids, Poe volunteers the fact that "today is my little girl's birthday." I'm sorry, if I am ever in a situation where I am seated next to a serial killer on a plane, the one topic of conversation I'm definitely not going to bring up is that I have a kid. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQh8pz04jwE

I'm starting to forget parts of this movie, but as I recall, as John Cusack is running around the abandoned airport, wreaking havoc, and wearing what appears to be a suit he stole out of his daddy's closet, why doesn't he ever try to reach out to the approaching calvary? Don't we find out that he has been carrying around a walkie-talkie the entire time? But, for some reason, he doesn't choose to use it until litterally a split second before the propane tanks are exploded. I mean, seriously, Cusack's character is kind of a piece of shit... From within the compound, he could have coordinated with his backup; advised them that the entire airport was only fenced in with rusted-out chicken wire and traveling down the most ambushable road in history might be a mistake; and maybe come up with a plan that doesn't result in the deaths of dozens of police officers and the bad guys getting away. I mean, attack choppers are mere minutes away, guys...let's all work smarter, not harder.

A little off topic... I was looking for music to add to Lando's HDTGM James Mega Mix thread (subscribe to his page) when I stumbled upon a video by a group calling themselves The Romatic Theme Band (I assume they are supposed to be called the "Romantic" Theme Band, but this being the Internet, who has time to edit?) Anyway, they have an album called Baladas de Cine comprised entirely of covers of romantic songs from romantic movies (e.g. songs from Casablanca, Breakfast at Tiffany's, etc), and guess what other movie is represented? Con-fucking-Air! Granted, not only is Con Air incredibly romantic, but it also showcases one of the most saccharine power ballads this side of Titanic...That's right, on their album of movie ballads, The Romantic Theme Band chose to cover..."Sweet Home Alabama!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JuLA74Nyg8 So guys and gals, next Valentine's Day, I want you all to turn the lights down low, crack open a couple of Natty Ice's, hold you hummin'bird close, put on some Con Air, and crank that Lynyrd Skynyrd! Who says romance is dead?

The best part of this one is that you can watch the entirety of Con Air in under four minutes!

I think we are all missing the point concerning Greene and the little girl. The reason he doesn't kill her is not because he's suddenly reformed but because he has met a kindred spirit. Would it really have been so surprising to learn that this little girl playing with filthy, naked dolls at the bottom of an empty pool in what looks to be an abandoned trailer park in the middle of nowhere turned out to be a serial killer herself? In fact, the first time I saw this movie, I thought he was going to be her victim. This isn't a scene about the amelioration of a sick minded psycho killer; this is about kismet and the connection between two like-minded, sociopathic loners. BONUS CORRECTION: I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure the "Bob" the little girl is waving goodbye to is the doll she gave to Greene.

Can anyone tell me why Poe is being imprisoned in California or Nevada instead of the state in which he was convicted? Is that a normal thing? Also, if he is being paroled, why does the prison system feel it's their responsibility to ensure he gets a lift back home? Shouldn't the onus of his transportation needs rest with him and his family?

As always, great episode! Despite the inanity of a lot of the character's motivations and the blame that is levied at John Cusack's character for transporting two dozen criminal insane prisoners across country in a single aircraft, I can't believe that more fault wasn't directed at the single character whose actions led directly to the insanity that ensues. Of course I am talking about the co-pilot. What kind of fucking cowboy is this guy who decides he's going to "check out" the disturbance, leaving the cockpit unsecured, and taking with him the plane's only (known) gun? What's his deal? Hey asshole, fly the goddamn plane! They don't have weapons! They can't get in there! You've already let ground control know there's an issue, so land at the nearest airstrip and let SWAT take care of it. There's no reason for you to get all John McClane. Maybe some guards get harmed, but that's their job and they know the risks. Your job is to fly the damn plane! Do that!

I just re-listened to the episode and listened for the "fart" (not specifically for, mind you) and although I will say there is definitely something there, I would say it sounds more like a quack than a fart. Isn't it more likely that a super cool, bad movie loving duck just crashed the stage? Maybe this duck was trying out to be the third co-host if June couldn't return and was just trying to jump into the conversation? Maybe this is why Paul had Betty White feeding prehistoric ducks in mind for the end of the movie? I'm just saying that there are a myriad of possibilities--most of which do include ducks--and before we all take it as read that the gang is out there just farting all over the stage, maybe we should take these other options into consideration. Also, the duck looks like this:

No problem! It's a good one!

Ta-da! http://www.earwolf.com/episode/barb-wire/

Oh! I agree with you. Yes, it's incredibly stupid for her to choose a career that will most likely require at least some field work if she doesn't like to camp. My point, as it applies to the specific situation in the movie and regardless of whether or not it is necessary for her to do her day-to-day job, is that it is doubly stupid for her to stay with them over night if camping is something she doesn't really like to do. No one is asking for her expertise, nor do they particularly want her there. Everyone in the film actively despises her! She's just sort of...tagging along. If anything, her presence is nothing but an encumbrance for the rest of the cast in actually succeeding in capturing/killing this monster. Her motivation for sticking around is completely self-serving. You're not ready to go home and you want to see how this all pans out? Fine, I get that. But, since you're not really needed here, perhaps instead of bitching about camping, accusing rural Mainers of being potential rapists, and just making an overall insufferable, whiny nuisance of yourself, maybe you should just go ahead and check yourself into a hotel and catch up with us in the morning.

Yes, but let's assume she is more of the lab coat, museum working variety of Paleontologist (e.g. Ross from Friends), there is absolutely no reason she should have to camp out with everyone if she really doesn't want to. A lot of this was covered in the episode, but here are the facts: She's been sent to Maine to identify a mysterious tooth. Which she does with aplomb. Job completed. (Why the museum is involved and why they didn't send an Herpetologist instead, I guess we'll never know. I suppose they thought there was a greater likelihood of a living, breathing dinosaur just swimming around in Maine then for it to be a creature that currently exists and they just had to get a Paleontologist down there tout suite.) She tells Pullman her whole back story, which really isn't any of his business, but does so to explain why she hasn't left yet. She later changes her story and says the real reason she is there is that she just wants to be "a part of something." Okay, so we have a nature hating scientist who has completed her job, but doesn't want to go home because either she doesn't want to face her cheating boyfriend, she wants to be a part of something, or a combination of both. Yet none of these are adequate reasons for her to camp out with them if she hates it that much! This lake is 25 miles away! In other words, far enough away to keep the crocodile from being a threat to the general population but close enough that she could stay at a nice B&B and just meet up with them in the morning. What would that be, like a 30 minute drive? It's not like they are hunting it at night either...until the end that is. You know when the lake, which has been heretofore insanely silty, is suddenly as bright and clear as the Caribbean Sea. "Who cares?" indeed. This movie is dumb.

Is it weird that I stood during the Power Puff Girls' national anthem? To be fair, I was driving at the time...