Cameron H.

I’m completely opposite. I hated Cinderella the last time I watched it (a year or so ago). Snow White completely astounds me from both a technical and storytelling perspective. For example, the Dwarf hoedown really seems to be there to show off just what they could do with animation, but it also serves to cement Snow White’s relationship with them. The last time I watched Cinderella, I was shocked by how little she was actually in it. It was like she was a guest star in her own movie with most of it being devoted to her mouse friends. In this movie, there’s no doubt that it is Snow’s story.

Personally, I found it pretty delightful and holds up remarkably well - especially when compared to some of Disney’s other early work.

I’m sorry if he wasn’t your cup of tea, but I liked him very much. For me, Seth’s enthusiasm is infectious, and I would love for him to become a regular guest like Adam Scott. In fact, I enjoyed all of their guests on this episode. I feel like Ben brought as much as he wanted/needed to, and it was all great.

The whole thing is on YouTube.

I think one of the most absurd exchanges in the movie has to be when Van Helsing offers his condolences for the deaths of Beckinsale’s father and brother and she responds: “I will see them again. We Transylvanians always look on the brighter side of death.” I mean, yeah, but isn’t the whole reason he was sent to Transylvania in the first place because, for her family specifically, there isn’t a bright side to death? Nine generations of her family are currently in Hell having toothpicks covered in Flamin’ Hot Cheeto dust shoved up their pee holes or some shit. The same horrifying eternity that’s very much awaiting her if she can’t get her shit together and kill Community Theater Dracula and his unholy clutch of sweaty, vampire egg sacs once and for all. So, yeah, maybe your run-of-the-mill, dirt farming Transylvanian can afford to be a bit blasé about death, but I think in her case, she can afford to be a tad more pessimistic.

Tucker worries that Sorry is being overtaxed as things keep going awry with the ship. The crew discovers something very surprising about their A.I.'s personal life, and Stew reconnects with an old flame. Featuring special guest Deborah Baker Jr. This episode is sponsored by Vrbo.

Then he was complicit and I’m fucking glad Van Helsing hurled him off of Notre Dame

When we’re first introduced to Beckinsale and her lover-brother, they are in the midst of setting a trap to kill Dracula’s werewolf henchman. Their plan consists of an intricate trapdoor, cage, and block and tackle system which, unsurprisingly, goes immediately awry as soon as the trap is sprung. In the ensuing chaos, lover-brother drops his gun to the ground and he urgently shouts down to the twelve or so villagers shooting ineffectually at the werewolf that they must find his gun. Beckinsale then helpfully informs us and her cadre of peons that her sexy brother’s gun is the only gun loaded with silver bullets. Okay, right, so let’s just set aside for a moment the fact that these poor, hick villagers have been woefully under apprised of the situation - which, if you think about it, is pretty damn unconscionable. And, like, I totally get that silver might be a tough resource to come by when you live in the middle of bumfuck Transylvania. But seriously? Come on, guys! You ventured deep into the Forbidden Forrest with the express purpose of hunting werewolves and you only brought one gun loaded with silver bullets? Not only that, but a major part of your “plan” involved entrusting the single effective weapon you possessed to the person whose job description was “Bait.” As in, the individual most likely to die first if/when things go sideways. Aren't Beckinsale and her brother supposed to be, like, 9th generation monster hunters or something? Shouldn’t they be good at this? What’s with this bush league trash? No wonder they can’t freakin’ kill TRESemmé Dracula. I mean, look, I’m not saying that their family deserves to rot in Hell for all eternity for being a bunch of shitty, no talent demon hunters, but...I’m not exactly saying that they don’t deserve that either.

I’m sorry. And I just want you to know, I would never dream of planting that ear worm in your head. Because you know, from the day we met, frozen I held my breath, right from the start I knew that I'd found a home for my heart...

Just letting you all know that I am currently listening to Christina Perri’s “A Thousand Years” and just letting it all wash over me. Lykke Li’s “Possibility” is next.

Um, I think it’s important that Almost a Ghost runs the series! I also think it’s important that we all contact Jammer’s job and get her schedule changed so she can hang with us. I will not budge on either of these opinions.

I’m always so glad when the gang’s all here!

Unfortunately neither of them are

100% I was already like, “Here’s my chance...”

We did The Long Dumb Road a few weeks ago so I’d say we’re pretty flexible

Oh, awesome pick!

We've missed you too! I hope everything is going well with you

lol- Shenanigans! Rolling a cigar is an art! I refuse to believe Mr Hyde took the time out of murdering "12 men, 6 women, 4 children, three goats" and massacring poultry to properly age tobacco leaves and case them. That being said, a Van Helsing prequel featuring Mr Hyde as an apprentice torcedor is a something I would very much like to see.

No problem! The 12th it is!

This will probably come off as a bit nitpicky, but it's a personal bugaboos so I'm going to point it out. When we are introduced to Mr. Hyde, we are shown that he's this hulking brute of a monster that appears to be about 3 ft. taller than Van Helsing with a head that is easily 3 times as large. Now, I have no problem with the fact that most of Hyde's clothes are still on him. Years of reading and watching the Incredible Hulk has given me pretty unreasonable expectations and a certain tolerance for extreme pant waist elasticity. Hell, it doesn't bother me that when he grows his pants are somehow loose enough that he actually has to pull his pants up to cover his butt crack (also, incidentally, confirming that Dr Jekyll goes commando). No, what bothers me is the fact that the cigar he is smoking is somehow proportionate to his increased mass and not to a normal human. How does that work? Where the Hell was he able to scrounge up a cigar the length of a adult man's femur?

Yup! Now’s the time to binge!

I want to write a bit on Dracula’s peasant farming and its long term sustainability. We’re told that they only take “one or two [villagers] a month.” Or, as Dracula puts it, just enough to sustain them. First of all, I’m not sure if by “one or two” villagers per month they mean per vampire or if one or two villagers is the number of villagers required to comfortably feed a family of four adult vampires for an entire month. Since the movie’s phrasing is ambiguous, let’s err on the conservative side and say they share their victims. This means that each year, at the very least, somewhere between 12 and 24 villagers are devoured by the undead. I mean, that might not sound like a lot, but that’s a huge number - especially for a tiny village in the Romanian hinterlands. And while I admit I don’t exactly have the census information for the town on hand, based on what is shown in the movie, I would estimate that the town doesn’t have more than maybe 200 people in it. At one or two persons per month, that means that each year 6-12% of their total population is killed off by Dracula and his wives. To put that into perspective, if you were to apply the same percentage to modern day America, 6-12% would make “death by vampire” the third leading cause of death behind Heart Disease (23.4%) and Cancer (22.5%). Their harvesting of souls also doesn’t take into account for death from natural causes, accidents, or homicidal undertakers. And furthermore, at that rate of death, it would be impossible for the villagers to breed fast enough to create a state of equilibrium. Although, I suspect birth rates would drop precipitously. After all, what’s the point of having children if they’re destined to be chattel for your demonic overlords? What all this means is that in less than a decade, these four vampires will have completely exhausted their food supply. Of course, this is all assuming that Van Helsing never arrives and they are able maintain their status quo. Once “thousands” of baby vampires are unleashed upon the world, each eating at least a quarter human each month, it’s not going to be long before their New Vampire World Order comes crashing down from a full blown vampire famine. Not smart, Drac!

A movie that asks: how long will a person reasonably sit just to see a car fucking fly? We watched:

I think the real moral of Van Helsing is just how crucial it is to acknowledge quality employees and how imperative it is that you treat them well. Dracula kills Dr. Frankenstein in a fit of rage, but ends up regretting that decision when he discovers that they are unable to duplicate his work. In his arrogance, Dracula has completely failed to recognize the fact that, through hard work and innovation, Dr Frankenstein has made himself indispensable. From the moment Dr. Frankenstein’s exsanguinated corpse hits the floor, Dracula’s fortunes turn. All of the setbacks he suffers - including the loss of one wife and a full third of his unholy progeny - are a direct result of him not appreciating the value Dr. F. brought to the organization. Had he kept him alive, he would have saved time, money, and easily lived to see his children sow discord and chaos across the globe in the poorly animated, leather-winged apocalypse he so desperately wanted.

Fantastic episode! Seth Rogen's exuberance is contagious. One thing that really bugged me about this movie is that Beckinsale and her ancestors get to go to Heaven on a bullshit technicality. We're told by Van Helsing's boss that 450 years ago Beckinsale's great-great-great grandfather made a vow to God that his family would "neither rest nor enter Heaven until they vanquished Dracula from their land." But...they didn't vanquish him - Van Helsing did. In order to fulfill this vow and lift the family curse, shouldn't Beckinsale be the one to deliver the killing blow? Otherwise, it's just a bunch of nonsense. That means it never really mattered how Dracula died, just that he did - eventually. They could have just waited him out until he choked on some Texas Toast or slipped in the shower or some shit. Because, apparently, it really didn't fucking matter. What this movie really needed was a mid-credits scene where Kate and her lover-brother march up to St. Peter only for him to tell them, "Um, not so fast..."