Spunky Foonerism

You're much funnier now.

That is one real good bug, Houston! My actual exact favorite species is this one, and here is a good photo that a real cool smart guy took of it:

Oh, hey, you like bugs huh. That's pretty cool I guess. Who cares or whatever. My favorite bug is a mantidfly. Here, catch this football. Guess I'll see you around.

This is all basically correct, except that I am part of the main in-crowd. By myself.

I don't mind if you think of me as one of your real friends. I mean, it doesn't hurt me none, what do I care?

Smoke Monster

I know, right!? She even missed her birthday on here. Valerie you know I don't like to tell people how to live their lives. All I can say is that the only possible justification for missing your own birthday on the Hollywood Handbook forum is if you were doing something even more awesome and fun. Now I hope its over and you can come back and pay attention to us pay attention to me.

If there is one thing we don't tolerate in here, it's braggers.

Honlads is definitely post-chillwave, but I'm not sure I'd classify him as full-on duffcore. He's a true enigma, that one.

Oh, I get it now. The little dots in his username represent cum droplets, duh!

What is up with all the young buff dudes in here with their tinder profiles quoting The Grinder, and their grindr profiles quoting their tinder profiles. Back before this show got popular there were only like 30 buff young studs in here and I felt like nobody held it against me that I am a slightly older married guy with a mediocre dick and small muscles. Now it is like a 24-7-365 beefcake parade of all you can eat beefcakes all day every day, and I'm just like the old guy in the shapeless overcoat feeding pigeons and sadly watching the parade and telling stories about how funny I used to be and that one time that Sean and Hayes both liked my very first post, and that other time when they asked my good smart question to Pauly Shore. I guess what I'm saying is that time marches on and waits for no man, and also is a cruel mistress. In other words, I am looking for a cruel mistress, you can message me on myspace.

I think that I shall never see A poem as lovely as a butt. -Joyce Kilmer

Chanson, does Gary Larson vaccinate his kids? Does he cut in line for the ferry? Give us the dirt.

Ok guys I had a big idea while I was washing the dishes just now. I think you're going to love it. Let me walk you through a scenario... Imagine that, way back in the day, the Mechanical Turk fell in love with Cyrano de Bergerac. They got married and eventually adopted two kids, named Milli and Vanilli. Milli and Vanilli grew up and fell in love, telling themselves it was ok because even though they were brothers, they were adopted and not blood related. Little did they know that they actually ARE brothers, and were adopted together. In fact, they never find this out. Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing, because ultimately they got married and had a baby together. Who cares I guess, because they are two dudes and so they also had to adopt their baby so what does it matter if they are incestuously married to each other. Jump forward, that baby is the hot robot comic, Max Headroom. As a young performer, Max Headroom is starstruck when he gets to meet Bill Cosby one night backstage at the Apollo Theater. The details are fuzzy, but a few weeks later Max is stunned to find out that somehow he is pregnant. He decides to keep the baby, but never say anything about who the father probably is. So I think you guys see where I am going with this. The magical child of Bill Cosby and Max Headroom is an analogy! Obviously, I'm saying that we should collectively and anonymously ghost-write standup sets for an animatronic you-tube comedian, voiced by Siri, who will become super famous and the top comedian in all the land. After a few appearances on the late-night tv circuit, and a platinum-selling album, there will be a huge scandal when it is revealed by a snitch that this rising comedy star is an elaborate hoax, and that all the hilarious jokes were written by the members of this internet forum. I don't have EVERYthing planned out yet, but I'm thinking that the snitch will be one of the forum admins or maybe even a jealous Scott Aukerman. Who's with me? Let's write some jokes! Come on, somebody in here must have an idea for a joke.

So Ashley Absinthe is your real name now? Did you get it legally changed so we'd have to stop complaining about you switching your forum handle? That's a pretty drastic step. You could have just changed your username back.

If Ashley Absinthe is some sort of halloween-themed reference, I don't get it. Also, I hate it and think it is in very poor taste! You're on very thin ice, "Ashley." At this point all you have going for you is that you are friends with our good friend nohorseman, and you make good funny posts. Not making any permanent judgements yet, but all I can say is that you better be secretly hot.

I know not everyone is a scientist, but come on, this one is pretty obvious. The cat's mouth eats and the poop comes out the dog's mouth, and vice versa.

Hey, I read the first part of what you just said and just wanted to say its very brave of you to share about how you cant open your beer. As a former boyfriend, its nice to know that beer-opening prowess is appreciated by somebody in this cold, cruel world. Best of luck to you in your quests*, and based on the first sentence, I bet the rest of what you wrote is very good. If I have time later I'll come back and look it over. *Quest 1: safely open a container Quest 2: find companionship

You're a big girl now!

Dear Stephanie Allyne, Who is your biggest enemy in Hollywood? No joke answers please. Dear Brandon, What's the best new product that I've probably never heard of? Followup question, if it's so great, why haven't I heard of it?

Dear Ms Allen, Do you ever feel guilty that your good looks have given you an unfair advantage in Hollywood? Does it make you sick inside when you compare yourself to someone like, say, a Casey Affleck, or maybe a Clint Howard, who has honestly earned their fame through acting talent and hard work? Dear Brandon, Remember that big argument you had with your high school math teacher, about how you didn't need to learn trigonometry because "none of the real ballers ever use that shit in the real world?" How's that working out for you, big guy?

I never said other people can't be misogynist still, just that I am not going to be. Frankly, it would be a bit of a relief if some other people would be a bit more misogynist in here, because I was doing more than my fair share and now that I've stopped I really worry about what is going to happen. But don't say "homo" that's super fucked up. If two dudes want to rub their butts together, OR their dicks, it's none of your business and anyway it's a beautiful act of love.

I didn't mean you, and honestly I didn't even realize you were a guy! I am so sorry for the confusion.

Hey Jakman good to see you! I looked back over the first 12 pages so I could recap it for you, and I realized that for some reason I have made a lot of jokes that share a certain...tone. I think it's because there are so many women in the forum now, and they keep derailing everything by talking about woman stuff and pointing out how they are women and stuff about women. I don't like to be "that guy," so I'm going to try to turn over a new leaf and retire my hilariously misogynist character. Right after this next funny joke that I thought of this morning! Hey ladies, if I'm so misogynistic, then please explain why I spend so much time trying to fuck women? Haha pretty good, right? Anyway, I'm a feminist starting now, so if you have any complaints about the things I've been saying you can eat a bag of dicks.

For me the best part of a podcast network has got to be the infrastructure! There's nothing like the sound of a crisp new microphone, or the pitter-patter of the keys on a shiny laptop.