Spunky Foonerism

In the social wasps, the differences between males and females are very, very pronounced, actually. In fact, for certain species of wasps it is the females that are the funny ones, if you can believe that!

Is it sexist to tell a woman that her boobs are stupid? (Be honest. How could it be sexist if they really ARE stupid? In my America, telling the truth is never sexist and anyone who disagrees is a cunt.)

I admire how you still do such fine work, even while being a huge distraction and problem for everyone else. A+

You got to grab that bit-bus by the horns, and just hope you don't get steamrolled! Edit: Here's a picture of the bit-bus.

Let me take a stab at it... "No, no. The accelerator is the one on the right," Tom gasped. (to be fair, I'm not totally sure that ones like this count, since they only make sense if you see them written.) Also,PS, this one is fucking awesome!

I hate how bitches always be objectifying my dick! Edit: I'm not telling you if I'm secretly hot. I'm also a cop, so it cancels out.

There's an old-timey category of joke called a Tom Swifty. I won't bother explaining, because I'm sure you all already know. Anyway, here's all the ones I could think of: "It's time to milk the cows," Tom uttered. "Now that we're broken up, I want my stuff back," Tom exclaimed. "I'm going to adopt a dog," Tom expounded. "Theodore, you're going too fast," Tom blurted. "Your son is just like you, Theodore," Tom lilted. "It looks like somebody pooped in the pool," Tom snickered. "Oh yeah, well then I'M going to sue YOU," Tom retorted. ["I'm going to counter-sue, as soon as I finish toweling off!" Tom drily retorted.] "Working at the election bureau, those were good times," Tom recounted. "There's plenty more where that came from, goats!" Tom rebutted. "This party is insane," Tom raved. "Theodore, I don't care if it kills you, you're finishing this track workout," Tom ranted. "I usually get paid for this," Tom proclaimed. "I'm coming as quickly as I can," Tom ejaculated. "That's it, I'm escaping!" Tom burst out. "No, idiot, not the blue wire!" Tom exploded. "What do you mean I shouldn't combine bleach and ammonia?" Tom fumed. "I'm feeling so inspired," Tom mused. "Caaaall meeeee Ishmaaaaeeeel!" Tom wailed. "That's nice, but have you considered granite?" Tom countered. "Yes, but I think you've given me incorrect change," Tom countered. "I think my snorkle has a hole in it," Tom gurgled. "Oops, that last eclair is coming back up," Tom declared. "Somebody get Claire off this bus," Tom declared. "These metal gloves are hurting my hands," Tom grieved. "This will be perfect for spying on the neighbors," Tom droned. "That was fun, can I come on your next crusade too?" Tom requested. "Can I sing with your group?" Tom inquired. "The pH is still wrong, this potting soil needs something more added to it," Tom repeated. "Get this downspout out of my eye," Tom gutterally cried. "Maybe I'll have pancakes, or maybe I won't," Tom waffled. "This fire is getting low," Tom bellowed. "I have perfect pitch," Tom intoned. "I sing folk songs about the labour movement," Tom bragged. "Ibid," Tom recited. "He never touched second base!" Tom called out. "That suit is for ME," Tom bespoke. "Yes, fine, my idea for giving away oven mitts with advertisements on them is not as good as your idea for having a honeybee as a product logo," Tom begrudgingly admitted.

I'd like to sit on Rona and Beverly, if you know what I'm talkin' 'bout. In a sex way.

Ok, enough kidding around. Here's what you do. Get a bag of one hundred live mice and let them loose inside your house. Recapture all the mice after a couple days. If some of the mice have disappeared, it means the snake is still in your house.

Honlads, I cannot believe this shit. I'm trying to give good, scientifically verifiable snake knowledge, and you derail the conversation with your bad advice! NEVER KICK TOWARD A SNAKE RANRAN! DO NOT LISTEN TO HONLADS! It is bad for the snake, and also bad for you.

RanRan, here is what you need to do. Look closely at its eyes. If the pupils are vertical slits, like a cat's eyes, it is a venomous snake so get it out of your house. If the pupils are circular, it is a non-venomous snake and can stay. The only exception would be if it is a coral snake, which has circular pupils and you can tell it apart from similar looking snakes by just remembering this simple rhyme: If a red stripe touches a yellow stripe, it could kill michael stipe. If a red stripe touches a black stripe, it couldn't kill jack white of the white stripes.

That billboard is strongly insinuating that the lady produced those eggs, but I don't believe it.

r/earwolf always makes me smile. Because it spells a funny word, in case that wasn't obvious. Don't make me put my DickWolf in your r/earwolf.

Ooh yeah, gumbo is a regional food from where I currently live! Did you enjoy it? No, wait, don't tell me... I'd prefer to just imagine you making gumbo and enjoying it a whole lot. Heehee. That's the sound I'm making, imagining my pal SteveH making gumbo and then eating it. Yummyumyumyum! That's the sound you're making in my imagination. Please let me have some, I'm very hungry. That's what I'm imagining Mrs. H saying, as you selfishly refuse to share the delicious gumbo. Waaaaaaah! That's the sound of your crying child, his hunger rendering him inarticulate in his confusion and rage. Man. I used to like you SteveH. Now, after imagining you eating gumbo, I kind of hate you. Pretty fucked up dude. The man of the house is supposed to feed his family, not just his own greedy face.

I think its because he thought his kid was misbehaving.

Oh, I forgot to say it at the time, but I think SpongBob is a very funny joke. SpongBob. Spong-Bob. Spongbob! Anyway, keep it up.

My like-ratio and my dick length in inches are exactly identical right now, which is pretty great. So from here forward, I will only be accepting the first 6 likes on each of my posts. If my dick grows another inch I will let you know. In the meantime, if you see that I already have six likes on a post, I'm afraid you're out of luck. You'll just have to be faster next time.

Here's an odd thing about my dick. It actually has two knuckles and a fingernail on it, and grows out of the side of my hand. To make matters worse, I have a bizarrely disfigured thumb that grows kind of at the base of my abdomen, right above my balls. Not to be too graphic, but it doesn't have ANY knuckles, and it has a big purple knob on the end. I don't let it get me down, though. Through hard work, a positive attitude (and, I'll admit it, some help from G-d), I've been able to do pretty much everything normal folks can do. I don't like to be called an inspirational figure though. A soldier or a fireman is an inspirational figure. The girl who doesn't grow at all and is unappealing to look at is an inspirational figure. Me, I'm just a run-of-the-mill hero.

You should probably strip to your undies immediately when you meet him, so he knows you aren't wearing a wire.

I think you reset to being new and bad when you changed your name. Sorry, I don't make the rules, they just appear as giant fiery letters in my brain and then I type them here for you all to read.

For all you new posters who feel like everybody hates you and that you aren't getting enough likes, I've got some advice for you. Keep at it for a few months and inevitably people who are way newer and worse than you will come on. At that point you won't be new and bad anymore, you'll be familiar and comforting, and will start getting nostalgia-likes. That's when you'll know you've arrived on the scene!

[redacted]

Like the rest of the world, I wasn't really aware of the number 69 until the classic triple-CD set by the Magnetic Fields. Of course, after that became popular some punk kids had to go and pervert it into some kind of sex number. To me, though, 69 will always be about romance.

TOO SCARY!

This one goes out to everyone's favorite birthday boy. I starting thinking about your birthday, and these words just welled up inside me. It's like this song was already fully formed inside my crazy brain, just waiting for the right moment for me to write it down with these electrons. Anyway, this is just a little something I put together. I call it "Bear's Special Day." They say it's your birthday It's my birthday too, yeah They say it's your birthday We're gonna have a good time I'm glad it's your birthday Happy birthday to you Ah Ah Ah Come on Come on Yes we're going to a party party Yes we're going to a party party Yes we're going to a party party I would like you to dance (Birthday) Take a cha-cha-cha-chance (Birthday) I would like you to dance (Birthday) Dance yeah Oh, come on I would like you to dance (Birthday) Take a cha-cha-cha-chance (Birthday) I would like you to dance (Birthday) Oh dance! Dance They say it's your birthday Well it's my birthday too, yeah They say it's your birthday We're gonna have a good time I'm glad it's your birthday Happy birthday to you PS Sorry JeffreyParties, this isn't for you. Your birthday is over.