Spunky Foonerism

Dom is dying, and Sean cashed in an old favor to make him spend his Make-a-Wish wish to have Goldie appear on the pod.

Dear Goldie, Speaking of questions and answers, I have some questions I'd like answered about this Daily Mail article from yesterday which raised more questions than it answers. First of all, the article alleges that you are 69 years old. I get that its funny, but I don't know WHY its funny. Can you speak on that? Second, the main thesis of the article is that you seem to have injured your boob. Now THAT's funny. Question: boobs are pretty great, huh? Thirdly, the article described you as finding an "offbeat way to remove her grey garment - ankle first." I looked at the pictures and that just doesn't seem accurate. If anything, I'd say you are removing the grey garment ankle-LAST. Can you please walk us through how you removed the grey garment in question? Fourthly, Furious 7? Seriously? Were there no writers in Hollywood available to take a pass at that title? Is the next one going to be called "Eight" or is that too much? Maybe they'll just call it "Egh." Thank you, I eagerly await your answers. PS is Goldie short for Goldfarb?

I'm in somewhat of a parabolic mood, so here's another parable for you. You're standing on the corner, just being you and doing your thing, when a beautiful stranger comes up to you and offers to [redacted] your [redacted]. "Why?," you ask. "I saw that thing you were doing, where you were being you and I really thought it was great," the stranger replies. "The least I can do is to show my appreciation by [redacted]-ing your [redacted]." As you are gratefully enjoying having your [redacted] tenderly worked over, you think to yourself that not only did this random, beautiful stranger notice you being you, they thought it was great! This could quite possibly be the best day of your life. Then the stranger stands up, wipes of their [redacted] and proceeds down the street. Through your post-[redacted] haze, you notice them stopping in front of the person on the next streetcorner and damned if they didn't also start to [redacted] THAT person's [redacted]! Okay, no big deal, you think, that person is probably also pretty great. But now you are curious enough to follow the stranger, and your heart falls as you see them do the same thing for literally every person they encounter. You realize that you aren't special at all, and that this beautiful stranger has no discernment, and may in fact be retarded. But wait! Blinking away your tears, you see the stranger approach someone and walk right past them! It's Mean Detective! This beautiful dumbass at least has the mental capacity to reject SOMEbody, there is at least one person who's [redacted] is so pathetic and/or disgusting that it isn't worth the minimal effort of giving it a quick [redacted]! All is right with the world once again and you return to your corner and resume being you, knowing that there is somebody out there who thinks that you are better than Mean Detective. Edit: No offense intended, Mean Detective. You were just the first name that popped into my head when I was trying to come up with an example of somobody terrible that nobody likes.

Colt, that is some real powerful stuff there. Strong work, but be careful! If you rise too quickly like a phoenix, you may come too close to the son, like Daedalus did, and the reflected heat of your son's melting wings could set you on fire like some kind of fire-monster. If that happens, you'll find yourself crashing back to earth like a phoenix, only to rise again on Easter day like Lazarus. All of which is to say, don't alienate Andrew for gods sake, he is a very powerful enemy.

Thanks for the recommendation. I just listened to it and man that guy sure is good at coming up with rhymes!

When we first found Hurricane Dennis and started reading up about his breed, we learned that in olden times chows were used for every type of guarding and working job, and also for clothes and food, and that they are apparently quite delicious. So on the whole, considering the number of times I've threatened to eat him, I think he's pretty happy with being clothes.

There's probably a way to do some Colbert shit with having a page for Sean Clements the IRL guy and Sean Clements the HH character but I'm pretty sure the bigwigs at Wikipedia headquarters aren't going to approve him for TWO pages at this point.

We can make it if some brave soul will break their posts down into multiple posts that are each only a single letter long! PS Just kidding everyone would hate that. Have we learned nothing!?

I'm only a little ways in, and I've never heard of these Stars people, but they are very, very funny good guests. Edit:

Is Tokyo like it is portrayed in Akira? Does your motorcycle leave light trails everywhere?

A fluffy little white dog with four legs!? That is the exact opposite of a fluffy medium-sized black dog with three legs. It's a fair swap, I'll see if I can get LegalDocumentAdvice.org on the phone.

Nice 333rd post SteveH! Edit: Psst, everybody, I think SteveH isn't really a newguy, I think its American Diaper.

Kittens, work on dinner first. Once your belly is full you can work on getting some better granddads. #prioritize

My GD (pictured) tried to serve in WW2 but had flat feet. But the physical requirements were less strict for doctors so he went into an accelerated MD program through the Navy and became a medical doctor without ever finishing his undergrad! Later he became a certain US president's cardiologist. My other GD, not pictured, was a jet pilot in the Marines, then taught theater at Amherst, and then after my dad and his three brothers were born he came out as gay, ran away from home and opened a theater in Miami. I like to think they went through all that struggle and awesomeness in order to ultimately produce me, so that I can sit here on a Friday afternoon and post stuff on the internet. Edit: Fun fact, there is a class (now defunct) of US Navy destroyers that was named after my GGGD, GGD, and GGU who were very famous high-ranking navy guys.

The seal has been broken, now you know what I look like. This is me and my G---D--- G----D--*! *God-Damn GrandDad

I didn't like it, it was too short.

I saw them but didn't make the connection! Good for him.

You got to be on here for at least three weeks AND accrue 1 Clem Dawg and 3 Hayzies before you can pull that off. Go with the Hot Boxerman and Jeff Ulrich ep.

I already told NPR it was the Sinbad episode, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to tell them again.

I've never heard of them, but for some reason the name makes me kind of like them without even knowing how good they are at music. Weird.

That sounds exactly like what I've been looking for!

Wouldn't it be an awesome psych out move to cut down the nets before your game? I think a display of confidence on that level would be sure to intimidate any opponent.

If Scott Awkwardman wanted to audition them for his job, I think a better way would be for him to send some of his high-powered guests to the Handbook pod to see how they do. I'm talking your Sarah Silvermans, your Tim Allens, your Niel Degrasse Tysons, etc. Then, if that goes well, the guys could replace his podcast with the Holleywood Handbook when he is ready to hang up his cleats. Just move right up into his primo timeslot.

You're both wrong, its "qualify, not quantitate."

I'm not going to name names, but I suspect that several of the people on here are not all that smart. So unless you are REALLY dumb, I wouldn't be too intimidated.