Spunky Foonerism

I can read like a fuckin' boss, and you better believe that! ...but for me it still mostly comes down to which book has the coolest cover art.

Cat's Cradle is my favorite Kirk Vonnegut novel as well. The other ones are all total shit in comparison. (Edit: they are still good though.)

Sure! Hey, he may be an anthropomorphic hamburger with rage and cannibalism issues, whose family calls him late for dinner, but at least his dong is big. In my family we have a saying for just this sort of thing: "Why do sometimes bad things happen to good people, but also sometimes good things happen to medium people?"

My mom sometimes calls me Smot Boy. Like, "smart boy" in a mildly asian, mildly racist accent.

This year I'm going to try to keep it strictly 1024 x 768.

For any who still doubt my tale of supernatural terrors, click below. But seriously, it is all literally true. Seriously. And literally.

Friends, I have a terrifying tale to share with you, of bloodshed, madness, and maybe even the Devil himself! I know that sometimes I joke around on here, but I swear this is 100% true, it happened to ME, last night. It was a windy, rainy night in New Orleans, and I, having only recently returned from a holiday trip where I suffered most tremendously from rotavirus infection, and not being yet fully recovered, spent a fitful night of sleep, interrupted by stumbling trips to the bathroom. Nevertheless, at some point, I managed to fall into a deep and restful slumber. I can't recall anything of what I may have dreamt about, or what may have transpired in my room while I slept, but I awoke, fully alert and rested at exactly 5:55, which is the nearest* to the Number of the Beast that a digital clock can approximate. Did I dream of an angelic conversation, or did a pair of horrifying ghosts manifest in my room while I slept? No one will ever know, but what I do know is that I had the following dialogue, word for word, freshly in my mind when I woke up at that ominous hour. 1st Ghost: ...and the caterer comes crashing through the beaded curtain in a panic. I asked if someone was choking and he said "It's Brie!"2nd Ghost (skeptically): Seriously? But it's so soft!1st Ghost: That's exactly what I said! So I go back with him into the gallery and Alison Brie is lying on the floor, her face is starting to turn blue, she's choking on a chunk of Pecorino.2nd Ghost: And you were the only one at the show who knows the Heimlich maneuver?1st Ghost: Not at all, there were at least three other people at the gallery who I know for a fact know the Heimlich maneuver, maybe more. No, they were all too intimidated by her fantastic breasts to even try to save her! I looked Lou right in the eye and called him a coward, I don't mind telling you I was pretty hot about it.2nd Ghost: Lou Diamond Phillips?1st Ghost: Ferrigno. Lou Diamond Phillips was there, but he actually doesn't know the Heimlich maneuver.2nd Ghost: Well lucky for Allison you showed up, because perfect breasts are old hat to you.1st Ghost: Mmm, yes. They looked just like a couple of old hats to me. So I put my fists under her sternum and with the first sharp shove the cheese wedge came whistling past my ear. Everyone cheered, Lou was crying, it was a whole scene.2nd Ghost: Lou Ferrigno?1st Ghost: Diamond Phillips. Lou Ferrigno ran out of the room as soon as I yelled at him. I feel a little bad about it now, honestly.2nd Ghost: Right, not everyone is cut out for heroism, but it isn't like its a crime to be scared.1st Ghost: Exactly.2nd Ghost: Have you talked to Allison since then? She must have been very grateful.1st Ghost: Oh she definitely was. She took me out to dinner a few days later, but when she leaned in for a kiss I couldn't help flinching away.2nd Ghost: Because you're married.1st Ghost: Well, no, I'm a happily married man, but I still understand the impulse for a gratitude kissy. And don't tell the wife I said so, but her hats are AMAZING. It was just that I couldn't help feeling like she was going to spit a cheese at me again. We laughed about it, but I could see that she was a little sad.2nd Ghost: That's all fine, but if we can rewind your story a bit, did the caterer seriously refer to her as "Brie?" That's outrageous!1st Ghost: Yes, when things settled down I went back and had a little man-to-man chat about it with him, believe me. Well, what up what up... Again, I swear that this is entirely true. Oh, and when I got up to write this down, I saw that my foot was covered in blood from where I'd stubbed my toe on my luggage on the way to the toilet. Boom, there's your bloodshed. If you don't believe me, I'll post a photo which will totally confirm my story, but it's pretty grim. *I know, 6:59 is technically closer, but that would lose all mystical significance. I think my clock got it right.

My favorite quote from the show is from a few weeks ago in the forum when shoshobro said "in my neighborhood, when you do a wheelie for nine blocks they call it a shoshobro." That might not be exactly right, but it's basically what he said. Anyway, I laughed out loud when I read it, and I've spontaneously remembered it like a hundred times since then. In fact, I am remembering it right now. Still hilarious. Great writing, Sean and Hayes, shoshobro is a classic character!

Numlockednutz does raise an interesting question -- one that I've been giving some serious consideration to. What if this very forum is actually PART OF THE SHOW, and all of you are just an extended ensemble cast with all the hilarious jokes (dog shit on shoe, etc.) written by Sean and Hayes? All I know is that I'm not part of it, and I'm a little worried that it is whooshing over my head as well.

I listened to the episode today, and I am pretty delirious so take this with a grain of salt, but you all seemed funny and nice and interesting. I am staying in a tiny house with 14 of my closest family members for the holiday, and we 13/15ths of us are having some serious rotavirus. You made it sound very scientific and interesting, BRUCE, but it seems to me like it is mostly just vomiting and shitting all over the place. Edit:Bruce, if you didn't actually make any statements promoting rotavirus, I apologize. I'm pretty delirious, so take this with a grain of salt, but you seem funny and smart and interesting.

Wait, aren't you a men's rights activist? I thought I heard that somewhere, but maybe I'm mistaken.

OMFG Andrew, you are literally British (or at least you live there) I can not believe you are taking sides with Taylor Swift in her war against John Cleese! Also, and I think this was pretty clearly implied, Taylor Swift would definitely want to kiss ME, its just that I would run away and refuse to do it until she fell asleep.

When Prince Charming does it to Sleeping Beauty, it's brave and romantic. When I do it to Taylor Swift, somehow its creepy and weird.

I wanted to kiss John Cleese when he made fun of Taylor Swift's cat and . Her cat is weird looking, and she should learn to have more of a sense of humor about it. Also, she missed an opportunity to point out that John Cleese's cat is freakishly big, like a small tiger or something. It is seriously really big. If I'm being totally honest, I'd kiss her too, but only because she is very pretty and not because I have any feelings about her music. I'd probably be too scared to kiss her unless she was asleep. If she tried to kiss me I'd be terrified and run away. Edit: Who does she think she even is, arguing with John Cleese about what is and is not funny looking? The man is a comic genius and a national treasure. He created Mister Fucking Bean, I think he knows if a cat is funny looking or not, TAYLOR!

It depends. If you are masturbating, then yes*. *If you are crying while masturbating, then we're back in a gray area.

Hmm. Well, I definitely don't think you need to change the actual radio. Buuut...if you could have changed the station to make a different song be playing and you knowingly didn't do that...you probably love Taylor Swift and want to sit in a tree with her getting married and smooching a million times. Sorry, but that's just facts.

If you can break through those limits, you will have ascended to the next level, which I call "post-humor."

In my family we say "Lying in bed by yourself is halfway to 69." Your way is good too.

Yeah, a cat would definitely tie you down. My dogs even like to go for rides in the car, but they are still a hindrance to seeing places and experiencing things. A cat would be way worse in that regard. I say you're only young once, but for a pretty long time, so spend that time having adventures in the world. And hey, if that means sneaking into peoples' houses while they are at work and petting their cats, there's no law against it!

Joke's on you, Assblaster(truly_blessed), the other questions were all clever misdirections, and now we know you don't have a cat. Seriously though, knowing that about you makes me feel like we're exactly alike.

I also have this question, and I'll take my answers ON the air. Jacob C, if your idea is to do an hilarious but educational entomology-themed podcast, then all I can say is that the race is on. May the best man win.

Very responsible, putting a jacket on that big ol' D, amirite?

Name: (redacted) Age: 38 Relationship status: Married Facebook Link: This is a big step, so please don't turn out to actually be terrible and ruin my life through facebook somehow! Sean or Hayes? Hayes, I think, but I am going through a bit of a mindfuck because I think I've had their faces and voices mismatched in my head until this week. So I have some issues to work through here and reserve the right to change my mind. Do you have a cat? No, I am super allergic and have the most cat-chasin'est three-legged dog in town. And I also have another, slightly less chat-chasin'est dog who has more than three legs. Can I see your D (dad)? You'll have to negotiate with him about that, as there is a decent chance he'd find out I shared his pic. But in the most fundamental sense, yes you can see him, he is not invisible or transparent. Edit: Buuurn! Second Edit: I tested the facebook link, and it looks like I don't have permission to view the page. I'll have to look into de-privatizing my FB settings and try again later. Of course this ruins my joke about redacting my name but sharing the link to my facebook page. My real name is Mark. It would have been funnier to find that out the other way though.

So, I'm doing the same thing, working backwards through them. I paused an episode last night, and just now resumed playing it and it turns out I was mere seconds away from the very Louvre story about which you are speaking about. Holy shizz indeed!

Count me out, I just finished paying off this purity ring and I'm going to get some use out of it!