Spunky Foonerism

I shudder to think. Although my research into gangs leads me to believe that he probably had access to a shady underground doctor who doesn't ask questions. I've also heard rumors about a certain Dr. Krunkoff whose ruthlessness is only matched by her slammin' bod. It's all very sinister stuff.

It kills me to write this, but I was too dismissive of the unsolicited advice from random "dog experts" on the street all these years. I thought Dennis was different, but ALL chows will eventually turn on their owners and betray them. Dennis did show up at my house again, but it was just to threaten and berate me and Ross, and hold me hostage while Ross went out to buy him cigarettes. It's a sad, sad day. He appears to have been wounded on his leg, but when i asked him how it happened he said he bruised his paw jacking up the last narc who asked him too many questions. Chows are notoriously contrary, so I can't figure out if that's really what happened, but I'm afraid to press for more details. I hope Ross comes back soon, but I'm not sure how he's supposed to obtain cigarettes. He's not old enough to buy them. Pray for us!

So fun's fun, guys, but this gang stuff is NOT cool. Someone from my own family is in a gang, and it is tearing us apart. I'm not even sure how to go about telling you about it, I'm still processing it myself. Here's what I found hidden in the toilet tank, and when I confronted Hurricane Dennis about it he sassed me right to my damn face! He was like, "Wuff!" I said, "Don't say that Dennis, you'll ALWAYS be my good boy! We love you so much, and did everything we could to bring you up right! How can you be making such a terrible decision?" Guess what he said then. "Wuf." I couldn't believe it either. I guess I never understood how it felt to be racially profiled as a vicious chowchow his whole life, but I tried one last time. "You don't have to feed into that stereotype Dennis. Don't give them the satisfaction of seeing you turn bad! Please!" He said "Wuff!," grabbed the machete from my hand and busted out through the screen door. I haven't seen him for hours and I'm getting really worried. Here's a closer look at his hidden journal, I don't even feel bad about prying because I'm grasping for any clues about who he might be with or where he might have gone. And the latest journal entry. If any of you have seen him or have info about where he might be hanging out, PM me, anonymously if that makes you feel more comfortable. I just want my good boy back. Oh and if you see him, he has a machete, so watch out. #ForumersAgainstGangs

You should have wrapped it in velour, or maybe leopard-print velvet. That shit would be pimpin'!

Dear Erin, I've always thought that you look like a person who is tough and cool. Are you concerned that your looks will lead to being typecast into only playing tough, cool characters?

It's linked in the signature of Joe's posts. Top Secret! Edit: in case you are on your phone and can't see signatures, here it is. Please don't share this link with outsiders, though.

There's still time to edit your post before Joe sees it. Like to a non-confrontational dog or cat photo or something.

Hmph. Haven't even been through orientation and you're already trying to change the name? I like your gumption! We might have to fast-track you to that Treasurer's Assistant position. Maybe we can brainstorm about rebranding the group at the next rally. To be frank, I've been thinking that maybe naming our anti-gang program after a slang for "cigarette" might not be the best idea.

Steve, Forumers Against Gangs has a special spot reserved for a responsible family man like yourself. Gangs are by their very nature hierarchical and exclusionary, which is comforting to the young and weak-minded but is no kind of environment for lone-wolf, free-thinkers like you and me! So join us, and after a brief probationary orientation period you'll get your F.A.G. armband, and be placed as a Junior Treasurer's Assistant, or possibly a Community Outreach Intern. We're having a candle-light vigil today at noon, I hope to see you there. PS I am starting a special youth diversion program (#Gang-AvoidantYouth), and we'd love to have little Menthol Tigershark. It's not too late for him!

I'm sorely disheartened to see so many of you embracing and even celebrating gang culture in this forum. I've just about given up on the young, single male punks in here, some of whom only have a bachelor's degree, but I'm reaching out to the roughly 11% of you who are married or over 35. Set a good example, be a role model and lets exert some old fashioned discipline on these hooligans. I'm hosting a FAG (Forumers Against Gangs) rally and organizational meeting at my house tonight, I'll make some waffles (REAL waffles) and we can split up into teams for whitewashing the graffiti "tags" that are popping up all over town. For those of you who can't make it but still want to help out, here are some simple things you can do: 1. put padlocks on your trashcan lids 2. if you see any punks riding skateboards or motorized scooters, call the police to have them hassled into leaving. Note that you should do this from behind your window curtains. Peek out if you absolutely need to, but if you are seen, these gang-heads WILL retaliate against your car or maybe your garage door. 3. buy up all the spraypaint in your local hardware store. We may not be as athletic or handsome or trendy as these hooliganites, but we have way more buying power. 4. do NOT give money or food to anyone you meet on the street. Chances are very high that it's a gang agent, and that is how they steal your personal information. Put your hand firmly over the pocket where your wallet is, and walk briskly away. PS I know some of you are looking forward to meeting the dogs. Ross is is excited for tonight's meeting, but unfortunately Hurricane Dennis says he already has plans. I'm not sure what's up with him, he's had a real sass-mouth attitude recently. Anyway, I'm sorry, but he'll be out with his friends.

Steve you don't even want to join that gang, trust me. You have a kid, man! Think about that for two seconds! What's going to happen when you draw the short straw and have to shiv somebody from the How Did This Get Made forum's gang? Who is going to take care of the little guy while you're doing 50 to life in the Jersey pen? The answer is that the Gargoyle Boys will be taking care of your kid, and he's going to learn ALL the different swears, and how to skateboard in the most disrespectful possible way. He'll be carving "Menthol Tigershark" (his GB name) into all the park benches and flipping the bull to the vice-principal before you even know what's happening. #ForumersAgainstGangs #TakeBackTheNight

Do NOT join the Gargoyle Boys! Two days ago, one of them asked me for a dollar and I said no way because how did he get such nice shoes if he really needs a dollar. Anyway, last night I got home and somebody had walked my dog without permission, the lids were off my trashcans, and I'm pretty sure somebody had been touching my wife's boobs. This morning I woke up and somebody had spraypainted #GargoyleBoyz across the hood of my car! The Gargoyle Boys are a menace.

Hm. Next week I will be shopping at this website.

Thank God you didn't call them "waffles," or I'd have burned this forum to the ground.

I decided to listen to the show this week, and it was real funny. I already forget what the good parts were, but I know there were a bunch of them! I feel like the main funny part was either something Sean said or maybe something Hayes said. Edit: one of the guys who is a guest said a funny thing about his fingerman being a mailman with a dog biting his leg

Nice birthday Joe. Today I mean. You picked a nice day, today, to have be your birthday. That's thinking ahead! Also, many happy returns of the day, by which I mean that I hope you live long enough for it to be your birthday again, many more times. Or, more generally, whether you live or not, I hope that the universe continues to exist and that our planet keeps revolving around the sun long enough for today to return a bunch more times. It would be better if you are alive for it, sure, but if the universe continues to exist that's probably enough to ask for. Don't be selfish, think about the rest of us, Joe!

It's beenawhile. I'll be back soon, I'm just being a weirdo for no real good reason. Also, likewise, I'm sure!

I'm a growler, not a showerer.

Q: What do you call it when Lolo Jones plays an oboe for Lisa Lobo and Sonny Bono? A: Lolo oboe-solo Lobo Bono.

Dear Ross, My friend Wang keeps telling me that my "Hang Out With Your Wang Out!" shirt is racist. That can't be true, right? Edit: Sorry, yo. Wrong pod.

Dear Ross, Would you rather have a frontal lobotomy, or a bottle in front'a me? I'm asking for a friend.

More like the rad preferences of a fricken' laser beam scientist, bro! Edit: Favorite Episode: Nicole Byer Favorite Film: Cool Hand Luke Favorite TV Show: the one where British people have sex on stage inside a box Favorite Band: Talking Heads Favorite City: Atlantis Red or Turquoise: Sort of a reddish-turquoise Famous person you'd give a kiss on the cheek: Mo Cheeks Favorite Number out of 70: 2^0.5 Joe and Tim's Celeb Couple Name: Jom McGreese COOL RATING: 2^0.5 (Some of these are joke answers, because when someone wants me to open up about myself, I respond with jokes. It's a defense mechanism.)

Course-ground creole all the way. I'm s-tarded for the stuff. P.S. I 'tard, you 'tard, we all 'tard for mustard! P.P.S. I must 'tard, you must 'tard, we all must 'tard for mustard! P.P.P.S. Just a little peek into the joke-writing process for you.

I saw "What We Do in the Shadows" this weekend. It's showing in New Orleans for only one week and my wonderful wife noticed (I would have been oblivious) so we went. It was real good, go see it if you get the chance. Or don't, who gives a shit? Not me!

Maybe a ladder, maybe a flying sidekick. Maybe you are doing a handstand. Just guard your feets, that's all I'm saying.