You don't forgive the kangaroo who slammed your hand in the door of a Cadillac Escalade for their sake.You forgive the kangaroo who slammed your hand in the door of a Cadillac Escalade for your own.

[You don't forgive the kangaroo who slammed your hand in the door of a Cadillac Escalade for their sake.You forgive the kangaroo who slammed your hand in the door of a Cadillac Escalade for your own.]

[Pro tip: The tip is great. I love the tip. Oh wait, I forgot the hyphen.]

[Love is for suckers]

Not gonna stop submitting this until I can stop giggling my ass off when I imagine Scott saying it

[To be or not to be, that is the extent of my great aunt's ability to quote Shakespeare unless you count the stuff she thinks is from the Bible]

[Making a cake walk's not easy at all]

[Social is the plain Cheerios of intercourses]

[Let's get serious. That possum's an asshat.]

[Hey, arc of the moral universe, while you're bending toward justice how about picking up some cigarette butts]

[Fiddle dee dee, I got shit on my knee]

[Evel Knievel, Shmevel Knievel, I'll take Mel Tormé]

[Water on the moon? I barely knew 'er]

[Sometimes you have to swing for the fences — Oops, I meant feces]

[No shirt, no shoes, no syrup]

[Love is for suckers]

[I was sad because I had no shoes. Then I remembered my thigh-high boots.]

[Tonight we eat like kings, kings who eat plain macaroni]

[Help is just a phone call away — unless you need help using phones]

[I'll see your shoes and raise you some stilts]

[Booger-free since snack time]

[You can't shit me, I've got a turd in my pocket]

[Body-odor-positive, oddly motor-negative]

[The podcast that bids one dollar less than someone else on The Price Is Right]

[Mock (Mock) Ing (Ing) Bird (Bird) Yeah (Yeah) State (State) Bird (Bird) Of (Of) Texas (Texas) Yee (Yee) Haw (Haw)]

[The waiting is the hardest part except the tooth enamel]

[Sleepy the dwarf dove off the fleet wharf when weepy white writers flew west]