"Resident Evil: I Already Forget What the Generic Subtitle was on This New One"

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

The second I start having to pay to watch new movies, I am DONE with this series, but tonight, I checked out the latest installment, "Resident Evil Flaming Hot Bullshit". It's quite LITERALLY a video game movie, complete with objectives that must be completed in pre-rendered environments, boss battles, people being able to carry a ridiculous amount of shit and pull it out of nowhere (There's nothing ON her back, what are those guns connected to?!?!?!), unlimited continues, a handy map that keeps popping up, and costumes that make NO sense for the setting that are there only because they were in the game.

 

Highlights include:

 

A super computer that speaks commands TO itself, for the benefit of no one else in the movie! It will say something like "Prepare Tokyo exercise", and then it will prepare the Tokyo exercise on it's own. I felt like this movie needed Sigourney Weaver there to just repeat what the computer says.

 

A bad guy that so, SO wants to be Val Kilmer! I mean, who can blame him, right? But really, if this movie was made 15 years ago, this guy would have been played by Val Kilmer, and it would have been TREMENDOUS.

 

An opening scene that plays out in reverse, in slow motion, followed by Milla Jovovich giving us a five minute long recap of the events of the first four films, accompanied by a "Rocky IV"-level montage, and followed by that opening scene again, only playing forward!

 

After getting knocked out in the opening, we're treated to Milla waking up in Zack Snyder's "Dawn of the Dead", which goes horribly until she wakes up AGAIN in the bad guy headquarters! I expected her to wake up three or four more times.

 

We're shown how at the end of the last film, Milla was de-powered, but she spends the entire film doing the exact same shit she'd been able to do before (which everyone else can do too), only for someone to shoot her up with some shit later on and say something like "As a token of my appreciation, I've given you your powers back". Huh?!?!?

 

Please, there has to be someone else that's going to see this by the end of the weekend. It's hard to explain just HOW ridiculous many of the aspects of this film are with people that haven't seen it

[sillstaw 414]

I'm so confused about how this franchise has gotten to movie #5. The only person I've ever heard talking about how much they like it is my older brother, who is kind of stupid and loves any movie with action and gore.

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

Oh, the movies are dumber than shit, and none of them seem to make that much more than the ones before them here in the U.S. at least, but they've been cleaning up internationally. Any time people start doing the "American audiences have shitty taste, and they're what's wrong with movies today" bullshit, I like to point out that it's not US that make these things so successful. The last Resident Evil movie did a series high 60 million domestically, and then made a RETARDED 240 million internationally. That's fucking crazy for something that looks like it could have gone straight to video. The production values on this new one are much better, but it still has all the same problems. It's like when you have a shitty guitar player, and rather than try to get better, he just spends more money on pedals and effects. It still sounds like shit. LOUDER shit. Speaking of loud shit, the movie "2012" did a perfectly fine 166 million here, but pulled in a jaw-dropping 600 MILLION internationally. Yeah, it's Americans that will watch anything...

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

Oh, and how about when I was watching RE5 tonight, it felt like it took forever to get through even though the movie itself minus the ridiculously long end credits is barely 80 minutes, but when I got home, I threw my "Titanic" Blu-Ray on in the background, and I don't know where the hell the last three and half hours went.