Everyone who wagers less than the maximum on a Daily Double will now be required to state, "Let's make this a cruel mockery of a Daily Double, Alex"

[Everyone who wagers less than the maximum on a Daily Double will now be required to state, "Let's make this a cruel mockery of a Daily Double, Alex"]

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[Shouldn't Magneto's arch-nemesis be William "The Refrigerator" Perry?]

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[Earth is easily in my top 3 favorite planets]

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[I'm the best there is at what I do, but what I do is make erotic bookmarks]

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[Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee, unless it's to warn me the janitor jizzed in the coffee pot again]

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[Knitting circles are the only place you can say the word "Darn" without offending the Lord]

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[I'm going off the rails on a crazy train, and not in a good way, like when a train is retired]

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[You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it admit it has a drinking problem]

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[The serial killer taunted detectives by leaving a series of "Yo Mama" jokes at the crime scene]

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[The cathedral had too many gargoyles to give me a proper erection]

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["I'm Egyptian cotton, 1,000 thread count, and cover your bed"--That's what sheets said]

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[The Breakfast Club was originally titled The Good Morning Cereal Wake-up Detention Gang]

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[Let's organize a Pro-test protest in favor of standardized testing]

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[Rick picked Nick for the picnic, but Nick just nitpicked his dick pics]

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[Los Angeles, 2073. A terrifying earthquake has struck the state of California...]

...Destructive superstorms fueled by the deadly climate ravage the countryside, while gangs of roving bandits prey on the citizenry. Computers have achieved sentience, and turned on their creators, unleashing hordes of deadly cybernetic constructs on the populace. Cupcakes are still delicious.

[I got a show. You got some ears. Let's do this.]

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[If these walls could talk, they'd spend an hour trying to convince me to vote for Rand Paul]

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[As Margaret Cho's agent used to say, "There's no business like Cho business"]

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[There are three kinds of people in this world: those who are good at math, trees, and those who have a rare condition...]

There are three kinds of people in this world: those who are good at math, trees, and those who have a rare condition that makes it hard to distinguish trees from people.

[As Jim Morrison’s mom used to say to him, “Hey, once you’re finished opening up the doors of perception, how about you crack open the garbage can...]

As Jim Morrison’s mom used to say to him, “Hey, once you’re finished opening up the doors of perception, how about you crack open the garbage can and take out the trash?”

[Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I could stand here all day and give you a list of reasons why my client isn’t...]

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I could stand here all day and give you a list of reasons why my client isn’t guilty. Would you be okay with that? I really haven’t got anything else planned.

[My favorite Suddenly Susan spin-off was Gradually Greg.]

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[In lieu of flowers, please send a Scroll of Resurrection.]

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[For the last time, it's not delivery or DiGiorno. It's my cousin Alex dressed as a pizza.]

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[Don Ameche is peachy, but Jessica Tandy is dandy]

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