LARDdischarge

You know... teenagers aren't as hott in real life as they are in my mind.

Last time I checked, my kids' names are written on their tombstones.

A cracker is a white person you smear with cheese. My favorite flavor is Rosemary & Privilege

Did you know that deer are endothermic? Jesus I wish I hadn't got addicted to blood thinners in grade school. Or was it paint thinner? Either way, my "Heat Lamps for Deer" business is in trouble.

Hi. I'm Paul F Thompkins. Right now, I'm sitting next to Scott Aukerman, and I don't know how to tell him that I dreamt last night that he cheated on me with his own gardener. HIS GARDENER!

Paul F Thompkins is sitting next to me. I wish he wasn't. I can't really be myself when I'm around him.

I can't continue this deceit! I've been disguising myself as a child because I miss my old nanny, OK?! What's my fake name? Lil' Poutfire. Why do you ask?

My will power is weakest knelt before a fawn.

The pencil is sharpest just before the dawn.

Do mommies like soothing their depressed sons? If so, it doesn't explain my mother's deep state of depression.

Are dolls creepy? If so, I need a therapist for my children.

Make the Moon great again. Right now it just sucks.

The library is where I go to draw turkeys with crayons, but lately I just can't seem to summon the energy.

As far as I'm concerned, the American prairie is just God's grass on the field to play ball on.

As far as I'm concerned, the planets are just God's pearl necklace.

As far as I'm concerned, an earthquake is just a washing machine for God's clitoris.

As far as I'm concerned, a volcano is just a Fleshlight for God's dick.

Did you know they have cops disguised as children at playgrounds? First I've heard of it. By the way, could you hire me an expensive lawyer?

I love a pear-shaped bottle of pear juice, but for my ladies, bodies gotta be shaped like weird carrots.

The penis is mightier than the sword, but boy can a vagina take a some shit.

The professional conference was great, overall. I enjoyed how drunk I got. Didn't enjoy the person I took back to my hotel room though.

Penny-flavored toothpaste is THE solution for all the osaphobics out there.

My genetic test came back and I'm 5% Neanderthal, which is better than the results I got last year.

Peeping Tom's are my favorite hipster shoe.

Tickles are free? I had no idea. Someone tell my subordinates that their Christmas bonuses are canceled this year.