LARDdischarge

Is the Half-blood Prince that hemophiliac boy that hung out with Rasputin? What ever happened to him?

I dreamed a dream that love would die, and then I had tons of free time.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....... Chips.

I would like to join the government. Maybe as a diplomat or a nice, perky clerk. Or a ghost that haunts the President's daughters. Yeah, that's the job for me.

The snowy mountaintop of my dreams is a man's flat butt seeded and sprouted with white fur grass.

Where the rubber meets the road is the same place I fell off my speedy little scooter and lost my external catheter condom in the controlled slide.

This holiday, please consider making a small pouch in your mashed tators and hiding a special wish inside.

"But Doctor, I can't operate on this man. He's my son." "Well, we have to get a penis transplant from somewhere!"

I harbored a secret lust for Sebastian the Crab when I was a child. Now I'm afraid I'm just aroused by racism.

As far as I'M concerned, babies should be eating steak frites, and I should be eating breast milk out of a orthodontic bottle. But, hey, I'm not the President of Earth.

Honey, the orange rock bread is TIPPY TOP this evening! I so love it when you bake. What's that? I'm alone and going insane on Mars? You old tattered remains of my dead co-pilot!

If you ask me, the Golden Age of Television was when cavemen (and women) were tracing their farts on cave walls with the Blood of Christ.

Lemons are nature's yellow balls. Guess what wrinkly, saggy balls of blue-colored ice are.

When Wilmer Durn speaks, people listen. Why? Because he's always screaming.

I can't stop kissing my pet goldfish. Maybe I should put it back in the water.

Tickle-Me-Elmo was my babysitter as a child. Now he's my therapist as an adult. I wonder what he'll do when I'm dead. Tickle my corpse?

Two quarts of low-fat milk is worth 1% of my giving-a-shit.

I'm finally getting my Degree in Lollipops. Thanks to my Munchkin foster parents!

My dream is to live on the moon, but I can't get a loan approved for building my Moon scooter! Guess I'll have to just look like an asshole here on Earth.

Exercise is nature's version of separating the weak from their skins and getting at that tasty, soft appendix.

I've been workin on the railroad, even though train travel is an outdated mode of transportation. I have nothing better to do.

The Cave of Crystals is a great place to chill out, if you've got a hammock. If not, try the Waterfall of Why-the-fuck-don't-you-have-a-hammock?

The Devil went down to Georgia. He was looking for a geo-cache, but when he found it, all it had inside was a mirror. And that's when Satan realized he had a goatee.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, and the very next day, I put $20 in my Roth IRA, so I can someday retire and spend more time cooking you chicken.

High school quarterbacks are by far the sexiest person I've ever dated