LARDdischarge

To count the stars is a fool's mission. To count the number of calories your wife eats; now that'll get you somewhere.

The tipsy teapot left her baby in dish washer all day. Now the Mom's are all over her ass.

Do you know the Muffin Man? He's dead, in my oven.

I raise chickens in my above-ground pool. Gee, I hope I don't forget and accidentally drown them, because I can't stand wet eggs!

Ice cramps my water glass. I need colder water or hotter ice. Or water pills.

If I was in prison, I'd work in the laundry department, where the prison clothes smell fresh and I can wash my posters.

I heard you can get fried milkshakes here. Can you? Can you get fried milkshakes here? I heard... can you? I'd like a friend milkshake please.

Secrets, secrets are no fun. Bouncehouse, Bouncehouse hurt someone. But at least they're fun, unlike secrets.

Pecans are nature's candy. Almonds are nature's vagina shape. Brazil Nuts are gross.

Step inside my crystal chamber if you want your dreams to come true. I'm assuming your dream is to be an asshole.

If Stomping is just Hard Walking, than is fishing just wet standing?

Missy Kissy wants a boyfriend, but my lips are chapped. Thank God for dental dams.

The kind of meat I eat looks good on a bed sheet covered in skeet. I'm sorry.

"Hey Little Drummer Boy, shut the fuck up! This is a newborn, for God's sake. Can't we get a flute boy or a harp girl? Jesus Christ, drums sound terrible solo."

The man under the underpass is over the overstock.com commercials.

Family arguments are sometimes best solved by a little liquid lubricant, if you know what I mean. That's right. I'm talking about the shit that comes out of torpedoes when you poke holes in them.

I've got the post-holiday blues. What should I do? Buy new shoes? I'm a whore for the shoe store, but what would I need more for? Shoes, that is, not blues. I'm still depressed. Sigh. Perhaps I'll buy a dress.

This year, I'd like to give thanks to the big skinny bearded that crashed landed on Earth 2,019 years go and accidentally left Jesus behind. Thanks aliens; keep the dinosaurs next time!

I wish the Terminator would come back in time and kill ME

Did you know the GooGoo Doll's album Dizzy Up the Girl is about an old woman falling off her motorized scooter. She died, but the GooGoo Dolls are chart toppers.

The Kickstarter for my new head got denied, and now I'm stuck looking like shit.

A crab claw is just a lobster claw that ate tiny juice.

If it's honey you're looking for, I know of a fat bear who Donald Duck's it.

There are thirteen kinds of tennis.

If you can't piss in the toilet, then get the hell out of my experimental piss trial!