LARDdischarge

I kissy my sissy and commit incissy. That's offensive slang for "incest".

Contracted. Concocted. They're BOTH contrived.

Casey Kasem coughed up cum. "Crap!" he said. "Casey's contracted a cold!" But everyone knew it was cum.

Casey Kasem coughed up cum. "Crap!" he said. "Casey's concocted a cold!" But everyone knew it was cum.

This is Casey Kasem, with a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome caused by chronic crank yanking.

Honey, I shrunk the SIDS. Well, I invented a shrink beam. Unfortunately, our child has succumb to Sudden Infant Death syndrome.

I improvise. Therefore, my loved ones are exceedingly patient when trying to get real information from me.

Gary Oldman: That's why I stopped! / Other guy: Stopped doing what?

I thought I was dunking a donut in my morning latte, but turns out I was just dipping my butt in the breakroom coffee pot and saying, "Ouch, that's too hot."

Do you administer enemas? Or is it more of an insert situation?

I thought I was opening a can of tuna fish, but I was just self-administering an enima.

I pay my fans lip service by oiling their dry earthworms and asking for more compliments please.

I can't get these huge condoms to stay on my penis. I've already lost a whole carton in the hot tub.

Butt her? I barely know her! Wait, did you say butter? No it's plant-based. I said PLANT-based, not pant-based. Why would I feed you pants?

Butt her? I barely know her! Wait, did you say butter? No it's plant-based.

There are no small ideas, just people who hate their Dads.

I went to conversion therapy, but I didn't get any help in turning swords into plow shares. What's the damn ratio?

Torch her? I barely know her. Wait, did you say torture?

I can't help but think that Jesus and God share a twin bed. That's what I do with my son.

I can't help but think that God wants me to cream.

Judie Cat, more like Doodie Mat, which is what I call my flat toilet.

Talking is just mocking without frocking. A good frock docks the need to talk but retains the mock.

My wife is too humid. I need a nice house plant to make love with.

I'm ON the case. And OFF the pill.

Crap. Crap! Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap! Crrraaappp! Dammit.