LARDdischarge

Everyone thinks I'm this big shot podcast host, but, like, I look up at the stars at night...

Government spies have pervasive eyes but are not asking why I scream, "Jihad!" when I cry.

A frilly ping pong popped me on my ding dong and now my silly ding dong can sing a lovely sing song.

It's getting hot in here. So plug up all your holes. I am getting so hot, I'm gonna plug my holes up.

My hands are crampy. Good thing my living is made by my dry yet, paradoxically, moist-sounding voice.

Dear Investors, I'm pleased to inform you that everything is in place to begin experimentation. I regret to inform you, however, that I may have over-estimated how many people want to fuck cats. Blessings, signed: Dr Moreau

Holy Moly, brown Cannoli! Oh wait, that's a turd. Why is there a turd on my plate?

Methinks I doth ingest too much Codine.

Dear Journal, No one on my island will have sex with my cats. Sigh. Love, Dr. Moreau

Good hits. Great codine.

If I were to guess how many friends I have, I'd look at the night sky to help me count. Either because it has millions of stars or because it's a black void. I just don't know at this juncture.

Being Rich is my second favorite thing about myself, just after How Much I'm into Kids

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. If you can figure out whether God is a woman or man, we'll pay for it.

If you can't reproduce with cats, than get the hell off my island! Love, Dr. Moreau

Dinosaurs are dead, but Jesus is alive in my heart and he rode a dinosaur into Jerusalem for Passover weekend. So... ya know.

"Wango Dango... Use it in a sentence please." / "Ahem. 'Get the fuck off my face, Tiffany, I'm drownin' here.'"

In college, I sexually experimented with dinosaurs. Then I took a history class and found out that dinosaurs went extinct billions of years ago. So who or what was I having sex with?

In college, I thought I got ghosted by a dinosaur after a one-night stand. Turns out, it was just extinct.

Did dinosaurs menstruate? I hope so.

As far as I'm concerned, caves are just glory holes for God's dick.

I went down to Arkansas to eat a Paw-Paw but all I did ended up doing was yanking on a razorback's Ta's Ta's.

Daddy can't have his midnight snack unless he finishes his boiled soup. Or did they not teach Daddy that in Arkansas?

Do I have a tail or are you just happy I'm pooping?

If pleather is cheaper than leather, than I must be rich, because I can afford Utonium.

If pleather is fake leather, than plumbing must be a wizard cover-up for water magic.