LARDdischarge

Pleather is the new leather. Plush is the new Lush. Please? The new Ease. Pluto? You're next.

A penny pinched is a piece of worthless currency robbed for even less value, so that the sum is lesser than the subtractions of it's values, inflation not factored in.

Ask for a hose and I'll open my nose, so hot snot hits you right in the pot. Belly. Oops, I Jean-Ralphio'd it.

So I married a fax burg'a'lar, and none of the ransom notes for my daughter are making it to me.

Ball pits are my safe place.

Bring me a mouse if you think I'm a louse. But if I am nice, than bring me some mice.

Teachers are the real heroes. For example, my high school gym teacher sold me discount drugs and saved me tons!

Dunk Punk's trunk thunked and spunked to Daft Punk crunk hunks.

Janitors are the real heroes. For example, my high school janitor saved me from being a virgin my whole life.

Different worms need different terms. Sandy, wriggly, sniveling, dead. Thus is the wide world of worms.

I know that all the girls just think of me as that religion teacher that hooked up with Becky Roth before she dropped out, but, like, I have hobbies.

I know all you see when you look at me is this book-smart nerd with buck teeth, but, like, I get horny too, you know.

Everyone thinks I'm this big shot prom king, but, like, I have thoughts and stuff, you know?

The cream rises to the top, but with heavy cream its the little toast rafts that float on top and occasionally get capsized by milky Moby Dicks.

"Why are all the good ones taken?" I said, while shopping for a pair of used underwear.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can get it euthanized before the kids get home.

Vroom. Sunset Boulevard. Screech. A Denny's. Cha Ching. Cheddar Value Breakfast. Zzziiippp. My pants zipper. Hee hee. The mocking laughter of my six children. "Damn you God for giving me this body." A curse spit towards the heavens.

Mia Mami shmears Pastrami atop a fluffly Llami.

Numbers are the language of calculators. I wonder what it thinks I'm saying when I keep typing in "80085" and giggling.

You call the skid marks in your underpants "Figgy Pudding" too?

Why can't all of mankind join hands and make a big octagon shape in Montana? Nobody fucking lives there.

HAPPY DIPS whipped cream is THE leading brand of whipped cream for watching your old, toothless parents gum while they tell you about their past infedelities.

As far as I'm concerned, poems are just boring movie trailers.

This catchphrase was so poetic that it made me cry, and now my eyes are puffy, so I can't read it. But it was poetic.

According to my father the disgraced college anatomy professor, the titties are the largest human organ and the nipples are the window to the soul. A+