Robert_Yune

Have you seen my dead wife? She's a supermodel!

Shrek has not forgotten the time you banned him from entering the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. He will take his revenge starting tomorrow.

The experts had it wrong--turns out, you're supposed to take 100,000 steps a day.

My favorite new podcast is "Conan O'Brien Needs a Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man." The variety of guests is superb, and the theme song is heavenly beyond compare.

I want to say one word to you. Just one word: "Shrek."

One out of four people now has a red baboon ass. If the three people closest to you don't have a red baboon ass, guess what?

I had a dream about Shrek last night. I'd tell you about it, but it's not that kind of show.

Did you know that Mister T's full catchphrase was "I pity the fool who shits in the school"?

Why have you arrived here, strange traveler, to the farthest edge of Shrek's empire?

If someone around here asks you to shoot craps, make sure they're talking about the dice game first.

Imagine my surprise when Shrek dropped from a clear blue sky and landed on the other end of the seesaw, propelling me skyward. I'm still flying even as I type this.

People who live in glass toilets shouldn't throw shit.

They say: Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without. I say: Throw it up, wear it down, make it do pushups, and steal the crown.

Walk like a manatee, talk like a mannequin, walk like a mantis, my son. Shoot like a Mandalorian, talk like a manuscript, walk like a manta ray, son.

Honestly, this feels like the part of the zombie movie that everyone skips.

Quarantine? I barely know teen.

It's not over...til it's overkill.

Today is opposite day, which means it's actually night--and I'm lying.

A tommyknocker and a fartknocker are two different things. There will be severe consequences if you mix them up.

Nasty Bill heard what you said about him, and he's paying you a visit later today.

Dancing in the moonlight? It's not that kind of glow. Mountains of cocaine? It's not that kind of snow. Getting your horndog rocks off? It's not that kind of show.

You may have forgotten about Shrek, but Shrek has not forgotten about you.

Don't shoot me, I'm just the piano player who is about to shoot heroin.

I'm the kind of guy who laughs at YOUR funeral. Don't understand what I mean? Well, you soon will.

Respect tech and cash checks like Shrek.