SideofMcG

A leopard never changes its spots but it does ACCESSORISE!!!

But guys why do they call it FOOTball when they play most of it with their HANDS? Shouldn't it be called y'know... something else?

Come me old fashioned but in my day a SELFIE was when you took a photo of yourself with a camera, not choked yourself while driving and self-pleasuring.

Like all illiterate middle-aged men I'm fighting the battle of the bugle. Taps again? You muthafucka!

Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs do anything I woudn't do you saucy minx!

Take a photo. Steal my soul. Drop your car keys in the bowl.

I was stripping when the dresser fell on me. Talk about a wardrobe malfunction.

Real talk. Genital warts. Are they really all that "cool"?

Rebooting Star Trek but it's set in my basement and all about my friends the pigeons that I keep down and who tell me to burn things. Gonna call it Star Peck and the blazing fire of retribution.

I put chattering teeth in my boxer shorts. "That won't bite me in the ass later," I foolishly thought.

Would you risk it for a biscuit? Would you venture for some dentures? Dr. Suess ain't got nuthin' on me,

There ain't no time like the present. That's bullshit. How about the past? That was ages ago and I wasn't as fat then.

Remember the Alamo. Remember the Titans. It's 5 card stud, there ain't no buy-ins.

You can't spell extraordinary without... looking it up on dictionary.com because the internet has ruined your ability to spell.

Schwarzenegger explaining vaguely where his twig is, "Stick around."

Vivaldi role-playing in the bedroom, "I'll be Bach."

Your Bank don't want you to know these ten tips for committing fraud.

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? And who gives a fuck?

I don't use conditioner, my hair is offer only.

Chafe me mamma like a wagon wheel, a wagon wheel that's rubbing against my thighs all the way around this running track like these goddamn shorts.

I can't remember if I ever told you this, but when I tried to shoot the ground I missed.

I am not your mother but I still wonder why I bother.

What's the death equivalent of Nominative Determinism? Or is it just bad luck that Jeffrey Epstein got epsteined?

Unlike some of you I never even started eating bees.

I expel waste from the bowels on a daily basis. Am I The Asshole?