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Topics posted by Edward James Almost
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I have a suspicious package?! C'mon TSA, I came here for a pat down, not a put down
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
- 0 replies
- 426 views
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Which bathroom do I use if I'm E.T.? Follow up question, what if I'm E.T. dressed up like a lady? Forget it, I'll pee right here.
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
- 0 replies
- 323 views
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I'm so nervous, I have butterflies in my stomach. I'm worried the owner of this sanctuary is mad at me for eating all those butterflies.
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
- 0 replies
- 342 views
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Great, I got locked in the Deli case with a bunch of onions and schmaltz, what am I, chopped liver? Also, how much air is in here?
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
- 0 replies
- 310 views
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I'm here from the Egg Board to talk to you about a slightly more credible, albeit entirely inedible, egg
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
- 0 replies
- 335 views
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Jack and Jill went up a hill, where they lived out the rest of their lives in seclusion, forever shamed by one, especially shitty, Adam Sandler movie
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
- 0 replies
- 360 views
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In a shocking turn of events, this year, America's Next Top Model is the 16 inch USS Enterprise I built in 8th grade
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
- 0 replies
- 315 views
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You walk in here actin' all tough, but I know you're a softy at heart, Mr. Tinactin
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
- 0 replies
- 344 views
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I have the best name drop of all because I'm friends with Jesus. Wait, that's not his name, It's Frankie. Yup, Ol' Frankie "Lord and Savior" Muniz
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
- 0 replies
- 289 views
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This new snapchat filter makes me look like a sad, sad man
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
- 0 replies
- 331 views
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When will Marvel settle their beef with King Features Syndicate so we can finally see these characters where they belong, in the Family Circ-iverse
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
- 0 replies
- 309 views
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I live a life without regrets... I mean without RUGRATS. I tend not to watch Rugrats. Someday I'll look back and be sorry I didn't watch it.
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
- 0 replies
- 317 views
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Don't fear the reaper, He's just a giant, looming skeleton with a blade and his sole job is to kill you. I can't believe you feared him, pussy.
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
- 0 replies
- 512 views
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Personally, I'm far more interested in the gripping domestic drama "The Secret Wife of Pets"
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
- 0 replies
- 364 views
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People tell me I have a "weird vibe" Just because I show them my factory-defect vibrator, but that's on them, this thing is fascinating!
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
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- 379 views
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Oh, no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Adult Onset Diabetes killed the Beast
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
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- 352 views
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Oh, you wanted me to "Let go" of your Eggo, I'm afraid I've already eaten it. You must learn to enunciate, my dear boy.
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
- 0 replies
- 290 views
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It's official, this year's song of the Summer Is Buster Poindexter's "Hot Hot Hot" Sorry other musicians, but when you've got it, you've got it.
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
- 0 replies
- 430 views
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Godzilla is a concept by which we measure our pain... It seems pretty bad, he's squashing people left and right.
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
- 0 replies
- 351 views
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Don't tip over, don't fart, don't rip my pants, don't poop my pants - Oh I'm sorry, I thought you wanted my Squat goals
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
- 0 replies
- 320 views
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I tried to assemble a comedy monster but then in got too politically minded and ran amok. It was a real Al Frankenstein situation.
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
- 0 replies
- 286 views
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You could never do "All in the Family" today, The two leads are dead and the puppeteer's hands keep showing through their skeletons
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
- 0 replies
- 473 views
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I say, enough movies about Bat-man, let's get some movies about Oliver Platt, man
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
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- 291 views
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As a general rule of thumb, I find they look best and most natural next to the index fingers.
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
- 0 replies
- 298 views
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Hey, Ball-game attendee, Cracker jacks have peanuts in them, you only need one snack. Now get back to shaming the home team for their loss.
By Edward James Almost, in New Catchphrase Suggestions
- 0 replies
- 326 views