Parrot Top

Forestry 101

A true story

Verily, verily, I say unto thee, I stand up to shit and sit down to pee

My junk mail folder is full. I should've been more selective in my dick pic demands.

20 Fun Facts About Space. Numbers 1 through 20: we are truly alone and life is meaningless

Since my baby left me, I've been chaining my children to the porch

The minister in the manse chances a late-night no-pants dance

The wishing well is out of order, so please throw all your pennies at the beggar

We're at DefCOM FUN! Nuclear japes have been launched. Hug your funny bones tight and pray to whichever god is listening. Spoiler: None of them

For one week only, name your newborn Griswald for the chance to win a lifetime of insults for your child. Wizards need not apply.

Never, and I repeat never, then I repeat never once more and walk straight out the coffee shop without paying

Hitch up your dress and dance in your mess, for the night is but a babe

Take your partner by the hand and lead them straight into the devil's maw. That's how babies are made.

Never bet the farm at a crab-shack backroom poker party

Say a little prayer for me, but say a big one for the giant who lives in the woods. His wife was diagnosed with lupus.