Wax or Wain? Why choose? I'm losing these pubes AND watching Role Models!

[Wax or Wain? Why choose? I'm losing these pubes AND watching Role Models!]

Wax or Wain? Why choose? I'm losing these pubes AND watching Newsreaders!

[She shells seashells by the seashore with her WWII-era trench gun]

She shells seashells by the seashore with her WWII-era trench gun

[Extra sauce 'cause I'm the boss. Fresh fruit instead of fries because I'm watching my cholesterol.]

Is the bathroom that way? Oh, that's the kitchen, right, my bad. Be right back.

[I once met a man from Nantucket. His coffee breath left much to be desired.]

I once met a man from Nantucket. His coffee breath left much to be desired.

[My E.D. and Low-T puts all my dates in therapy.]

My E.D. and Low-T puts all my dates in therapy.

[Caldera? How dare ya!?]

Volcano backwards is mvemsjunp

[To err is Adam. To forgive is DeVine.]

To err is Adam. To forgive is DeMamp.

["It could be tomorrow, or ten thousand years," said the fading White Dwarf to a group of his peers.]

"It could be tomorrow, or ten thousand years," said the fading White Dwarf to a group of his peers.

[I’m late to be laid, so order me an Uber, preferably pre-paid.]

I'm late to be laid, so order me an Uber, preferably pre-paid, and a copy of MacGruber, and hope I don’t get waylaid on my path toward the puber.

[Devon Sawa? Eye-chi-wawa! Devon Aoki? Okie-dokie!]

COVIDY-Trump-Bump!

[I’m late to be laid, so order me an Uber, preferably pre-paid.]

I'm late to be laid, so order me an Uber, preferably pre-paid, and a copy of MacGruber

[Baby, you know I’d be up in them guts if I weren’t social distancing.]

You got the Crazy Guts™?

[Parents spanking their kids? Questionable. Kids spanking their parents? Unquestionably weird.]

"What's that, mom and dad? You think if I act up then I deserve a spanking? Okay, how about this idea, geniuses: if you're gonna spank me every time I do one wittle naughty thing, then I am gonna spank the two of you every time I do a good deed! Ya like that, ya dumb-dumbs? Looks like the hand is on the other cheek now, eh, dad? New no-no: When I'm good I spank my parents now!"

[My. Mother. Said. To. Pick. The. Very. Best. One. And. You. Are. Not. It!]

My. Mother. Said. To. Pick. The. Very. Best. One. And. You. Are. Not. It!

[Instant rice or instant ramen: sacrifice to Tutankhamun.]

Instant rice or instant ramen: sacrifice to Tutankhamun.

[If whiffs of butts were sexy sluts, my life would be lousy with promiscuous girls]

If whiffs of butts were sexy sluts, my life would be lousy with promiscuous girls

[My favorite part of any movie is when they reference MS-DOS]

My favorite part of any movie is when they reference MS-DOS

[We took 10 of America’s hottest singles, loaded them onto a spaceship and flew it into the sun.]

Silly little birds, all in your nests...wondering what's going to happen next...

 

Good luck...

[You can run, you can hide, but you can't escape "dot gov".]

youcanrunyoucanhidebutyoucantescape.gov

[Call me "Late to Dinner", but don't call me anything else! I'm hungry, just not quite yet!]

Call me "Late to Dinner", but don't call me anything else! I'm hungry, just not quite yet!

[Cradle to the grave? Don't mind if I do! This crib is cursed and I've got a mausoleum guy!]

Cradle to the grave? Don't mind if I do! This crib is cursed and I've got a mausoleum guy!

["Steady Eddie, Ripe-and-Ready". That's what the infant inmates used to call me in baby jail.]

COVID-Y PAN PAN

[Stare at my clearly undescended testicle any longer and I'm turning this school bus around!]

Stare at my clearly undescended testicle any longer and I'm turning this school bus around!

["Cruel to be Kind". Richard Kind, that is! And by "cruel" I mean, "must be nice!"]

Bump #2 cuz this pandemic ain't endin' and my will ain't bendin'

[Past-tense for my sex friends, sextants for my past friends. Hope you didn't get lost on the way to the midnight maritime orgy.]

Past-tense for my sex friends, sextants for my past friends. Hope you didn't get lost on the way to the midnight maritime orgy.