Euripides’ Shorts

Abandon all hope, ye who entertain.

I came for the colonoscopy, but I stayed for the magazines.

When you said you wanted to give me a Dutch oven, I thought you meant something else.

Everybody’s got them, nobody talks about them. I’m talking about dookie drawers.

I had a dream I was eating jelly beans with Paul F. Tompkins.

In 2023, we have to START talkin’ TMNT on CBB RE: Deez, because a very special listener is getting a Shredder tattoo on his scrotum over the next two years and I, Scott Aukerman, have already bought the exclusive rights to broadcast discussions of it.

The truth is that NOTHING’S up my butt, which is why I’m so frustrated.

Run the hose but don’t trim the hedges.

20 is the new 10.

30 is the new 18.

Pregnant is the new headache.

Alexa, do my taxes.

Mothera may I? Yes you may.

No thanks—I had ass for lunch.

Get out of my dreams; get into my tauntaun carcass.

We all know what happens when you ass-Zoom: you get fired from your job.

Today’s topic for debate: Do farts smell like poop? We’ll hear both sides in a moment.

The camera of a sloth proctologist? P.S. Congrats on your 200th!

Draw from the pool but please don’t pee in it.

You say “three inches hard” like it’s a bad thing.

Don’t hate me because my pants fell down that one time at the tractor pull. Hate me because I looked great doing it.

Booty is in the eye of the beholder.

Release the Kraken? I hardly know ‘er!

It’s very important that you don’t interrupt me because I’m a grade-A asshole.

Once I left everything to Beaver. I’ll never make that mistake again.