Euripides’ Shorts

You are what you eat…minus what you poop out.

You said it not me!

Eighty degrees When I ask, “Madam, please, Do you shell N-U-Ts? ’Cause I bought forty bags Of these. Need ‘em cracked for a party… Oh, it’s free?”

Does anyone know the best way to get a mousetrap off your genitals? Asking for a friend.

Shower loofah, cleanse thyself.

I wouldn’t mind it if THAT itsy-bitsy spider climbed up MY water spout if you know what I mean.

All those algae farts

Did I stutter?! …I did? Well I guess that’s why I go to speech therapy.

You can pick your friends and you can pick your Pekingese, but you can’t Pekingese nuts.

When you told me you checked his oil, I thought you meant something else.

Sorry for the mess. When you told me to come on, I thought you meant something else.

Show me the place where two butts meet and I’ll show you my boner.

I couldn’t find my own ass with a flashlight; that’s what my proctologist is for.

Where’s your ass at, you asshat?

Please win.

You can rock my jock; just don’t block my cock.

Party heartily.

It’s like there’s a party in my mouth and everyone RSVPd “maybe.”

My gynecologist is a real private investigator.

I can’t imagine what part of “Sailors Wanted for Tug Jobs” is misleading.

Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub?! Yes, please! As long as they have steady jobs.

When you said she really rubbed off on you, I thought you meant something else.

Only one pound to ride the trolley; only two pounds to bust my ball-ees.

When you said you were “in for a pound,” I thought you meant something else.

In for a penny, in for a pound. Put me in, Coach, while my pants are down.