Euripides’ Shorts

You can knock on the back door, but please enter through the front.

Diaper, change thyself.

You have Abe Lincoln’s disease. That chin beard is permanent.

Dear Monkeys, You were one letter away from writing the complete works of Shakespeare! You’re all fired.

Next time you want a handjob, just ask. This “skeeter on my peter” charade has gone on long enough.

I can make you thic with one C, but that’s the best I can do.

My name’s Rick Dick. I’m a private investigator and a jerk. You see where this is going.

No one peed in my Cheerios—that’s why I’m so angry!

Butt stuff for my rear end, stuffed butt for my dear friend.

Frequently accosted, sexually exhausted.

I’m so tired my dick hurts. Is that normal? Asking for a friend.

Got dick pain? You need Drowz-All! Drowz-All is the only formula to help you sleep better AND flush out those pesky peener pangs! ThesestatementshavenotbeenverifiedbytheFDA.Symptomsmayincludepenilebleeding,reversecircumcision,insomnia,andchronicfatiguesyndrome.Consultadoctorbeforeuse.

I’m just sayin’: if you break it, you’re payin’.

I’m flabbergasted that rat bastard had the audacity to blast, ass-backward, into Bob Goddard.

It’s my basic right to take away others‘ basic rights, and don’t you dare take that away from me!

Upon entering the premises I was struck by a strong broccoli-fart smell which indicated foul play was involved.

Everything I do…I do it for doo-doo.

Don’t sniff.

If you love end rhyme more than narrative continuity, you can piss right off.

The day you stop farting is the day you die.

Give me liberty or give me head!

It won’t be a stylish marriage—I have deuteranopia.

A penny for your thoughts at Denny’s after shots.

If I’m lying I’m dying…in the existential sense of the word. So yes, I am lying.

A stitch in time saves nine minutes of hearing it from my dad about how I should’ve put that stitch in.