Euripides’ Shorts

Is that a shit-eating grin on your face or are you just happy to see me?

Ketchup and liquor?! I hardly know how to make a gin and tonic, let alone a Bloody Mary, you asshat!

And that’s how I know you can’t hit a speedboat with an egg from this altitude, your Honor.

And then I said, “Michigan?! Are you crazy? I haven’t even Miched once!” And that’s when I realized I was at the wrong funeral.

To bumble and plunder under thunder till torn asunder would be a blunder? I wonder!

Loose lips talk shit.

As much as I appreciate expressions like “shoot a hot load” or “spray hot piss,” I think it’s time we acknowledge their redundancy. I mean, unless you’re undead, the shit coming out of your body is typically hot, no?

Weave a circle round him thrice, / And close your eyes with holy dread, / For he on honey-dew hath fed, / And now hath explosive diarrhea.

You can’t spell “onion pie” without “opinion,” and opinions are like assholes, so no, Mom, I don’t want to try your quiche.

Onions are like a-holes: the deeper you go, the stronger the smell.

Opinions are like assholes: you can remove the second and third letters of each and get a word analogous to the original.

…Slimer from Ghostbusters? Is that you?

Crab cake, anyone?

There’s no “I” in “team,” but there’s plenty of meat, just like my butt.

Steady, steady as she goes: drop the cup, you’ll splash piss on your toes.

Hell hath no fury like a babe just born.

Trick or treat! Smell my feet. Serve me something without meat.

If someone tells you they like “a good balance,” trust me, they aren’t an ass person.

If you ain’t a cutie with a booty, I’ll take a sweetie with some meaty.

Due to the recent tortilla shortage, we are saddened to announce that Taco Tuesday has officially been rebranded You Snooze, You Lose Day.

Go ahead and fill me up. …And while you’re at it, put some gas in my car too, please.

When you told me you went to her soft opening, I thought you meant something else.

Bend me over like a four-leaf clover and slip me that lucky charm.

How do you solve a problem like maria, where m is 5, a is 2, r is 7, and i is the square root of -1?

Snips and snails and puppy dog tails: that’s all I saw when that mobile pet store collided with that barbershop.