Euripides’ Shorts

To clarify, the dogs went ape-shit. They were not maimed.

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, all books would be tasty pornos.

Let he who is without sin blow the first chunks from eating expired tuna.

Is it just me, or would Peggy be the perfect moniker for a dominatrix?

Rain, rain, go away. I’m jerking outdoors to Fifty Shades of Grey.

If you’re duplicitous and you know it, he’s a really great guy, but seriously, fuck that asshole.

If you’re stinky and you know it, shout, “Pee-yew!”

If you’re stinky and you know it, take a bath!

Slide into my DMs, preferably during your BMs.

A baby dressed like a ghost is a booby.

Excuse me, waiter? I ordered the sausage and this is somebody’s hot log.

And don’t get me started on the general disregard for Whereforebastank…

The dearth of your girth did not prepare me for that breech birth.

All babies are fur babies.

Pants were meant to be dropped. If they weren’t, my Glue Pants idea wouldn’t have bombed so hard.

Brother, don’t bother with this, that, or the other. I’d rather weather Ethyl’s ether than bum a butt from paltry Peter.

I'm late to be laid, so order me an Uber, preferably pre-paid, and a copy of MacGruber, and hope I don’t get waylaid on my path toward the puber, for the skies are looking grayed, and I can’t appear a boob, or…

I’m late to be laid, so order me an Uber, preferably pre-paid.

Scott’s hot bratwurst is a real thot-thirst.

One beat To hedge And the furtive birdies scatter. On street By ledge, Hear the myriad raindrops splatter. One meat, Two veg’, And a sack to hold the latter.

What’s the thing we always do that’s fun for you and me? I-N-T… E-R-C… O-U-R-S-E!

I'm late to be laid, so order me an Uber, preferably pre-paid, and a copy of MacGruber, and hope I don’t get waylaid.

Baby, you know I’d be up in them guts if I weren’t social distancing.

Where can I find it?!

You don’t have to poop-scoop your dog’s doops; just keep that shit out of my chicken coop.