Euripides’ Shorts

This rock candy could use a little less rock and a little more candy, because I’m just eating gravel.

They’re fueling their missiles, but we do have time to fuck around.

I never take pills except with Bear Grylls.

I never lie about poop…except when I sleep in the barn.

But on the diarrhea thing you have to believe me.

Dear diary, uh… Wait! That’s not what I meant! I don’t have diarrhea! I swear!

Rectum damn near killed him: colon cancer is no joke. Get examined regularly.

Shut your mouth or I’ll shut it for you, gently, then tie a bandana around your head Jacob-Marley-style, because I know how much you hate to drool in your sleep, Mom.

Don’t poop on my four-way and tell me it’s Skyline Chili.

If you’re happy and you don’t know it, our Emotion Awareness seminar may be for you.

When you told me to shove it during that shuffleboard game, I thought you meant something else.

This farting Marian’s starting to dart farcically about the dastardly karst. Chart his parting heart, dear Marty.

Now for that succotash, would you like suffering, or regular?

You couldn’t take this shit on strong acid.

Hattie told Maddie ‘bout a thing she saw when she did peyote that one time in Reno.

When you said you were a big fan of Clinton-Dix, I thought you meant something else.

He who farts and runs away can blame it on the dog.

All day long I’d titty titty pump, if I were a pregnant man!

An eye for an eye makes the whole world content with their eyeball trades.

BRB, I G2G to the WC, but IMHO IDK how long I’ll be AFK, because my :’s slow.

A peanut sat on a railroad track. A railway safety officer came by and said, “What are you, nuts?” And then she gave birth.

It’s only Zeptember, but the Sanz-ticipation for New Year’s makes me want to shit my Schwartz.

All work and no twerk makes Jerk a derk berk.

I am part of all that I have met, so we should use a condom.

Thongs were made for flossing, salads made for tossing, and bare hotdogs for saucing.