Euripides’ Shorts

If you’re in the market for a house of bricks I’d go with Porkshire Hathaway.

What are water-coloring watercolor coloring crayons coloring if not water?

Don’t hate the playa, hate the beach game.

Please win.

When you told me that baker pinched a mean loaf, I thought you meant something else.

Do they call it a boner because it’s hard or because I only get one when I look at dinosaur fossils?

If Bigfoot is real just think how long his dick is.

Doctor, my nurts hurts!

I’m Snot Hockerman and forgive me if I sound a little congested.

I’m Dot Blockerman and I’m developing an acne prevention mask.

I’m Rot Faulknerman and my favorite book is As I Lay Dying.

If I had a dollar for every taller brawler who hollered at my dog Mauler for not wearing a collar, I could quit this life of squalor and become a scholar, or a composer like Mahler.

A penny saved is a penny earned, so take a penny, leave a penny. Meeting adjourned.

Don’t fart in my face and tell me there’s a gas leak.

You say “hot dog,” I say “Dachshund in the tropics.”

If no one else has posted in 7 hours can I break the unwritten rule of no more than posts three in a row?

Don’t piss on my electric fence and tell me it’s a lightning storm.

Does anyone know how to move the fucking cursor in the new iOS?

Feed a man a truckload of beans and he’ll fart himself dead in an airtight room.

The worst part of waking up / Is seeing who you’ve fucked.

The only time I settle / Is when you kiddies meddle.

The classical studies conference was great, but the title of the “Nymphomania” paper session was a little misleading.

How many Dachshunds does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Asking for a friend.

When you said the groomer gave her doggy style, I thought you meant something else.

And then she divorced me just for singing “good riddance!” to the tune of the Hot Pocket jingle at her mother’s funeral.