Euripides’ Shorts

Spread those legs. Rub, rub, rub. It’s tough to get wine out of carpet.

Poop more in less time!

You can love Paul Rudd or love Paul Rust; just please don’t make love on this bus.

Gary, gear up to wear your rip-stop earmuffs. Puff a pipe and peel a muffin whilst we procure—huffin’—this poor puffin, roughed up by a tussle on the shores of Lake Curmudgeon, and bludgeoned by a sturgeon.

From the womb to the tomb, honeycomb is the bomb. But please don’t give honey to infants under one year.

If I’m not a horse whisperer, explain to me how this giraffe got on your roof.

No wonder rabbits are so horny: they’re always naked.

Ninety-nine percent of life is just stuff goin’ into holes.

The best things in life are free—that’s why I comped when I gave you VD.

Let he who is without sin grab the last P’zone.

I don’t shut up, I blow up. And when I look at you…KA-BOOM!

If Florida’s America’s dong, those are some real small testes.

Pants down On the ground Whilst I clown.

Daylight ballad for my lady, day/night salad for my baby.

I misunderstood the ENT when he told me he wanted to explore my throat with his long tube. Turns out he wanted a blowjob.

The more you get dick, the more you need WIC.

I’ve always believed children should be seen and not have GERD.

Check the diape, find the stripe, use the wipe.

Hindsight is 20/20. I shouldn’t have eaten that can of Dinty.

Two households, both alike in dem titties, / In fair Jersey Shore, where we lay our scene…

How much nurts could a peanurt nurt if Mr. Peanurt nurt nurt nurt?

Squirming vermin in my chemise cause me to fall to me knees and pray they don’t bite deez.

We ain’t fakin’… Whole lot of Quake 3 goin’ on.

They call me Mimi, but I don’t know why.

I watch Minute to Win It with a bonnet on my noggin, eating Benihana takeout, rocking out to Kenny Loggins.