Euripides’ Shorts

Don’t be a shut-in, be a butt-in. Butt in my face, s’il vous plaît!

Get yourself a donkey, put it in a canoe, and paddle that ass.

An anal toy is like a USB mic: both are plug-and-play.

NEOWISE-ing night: / Fetch decrees of submitted bills, / Catch the phrase and the summer thrills / In humor through the podcast-ridden land.

Shit the spume and quit the room, lest someone smell thy foul perfume.

Early to bed and early to rise helps me avoid getting Taco Bell thighs.

Shiver me timbers, this bimbo’s on a bender.

They say pride goeth before a fall, but I can only go in public if I’m in a stall.

Roses are red; Paul Hollywood’s eyes are blue. I auditioned for the Great British Baking Show, But they didn’t like my signature goo.

Some of us LIKE matcha powder, PAUL!

When life gives you lemons, grate the zest off and simmer it in cream. Otherwise your custard will turn out too tart.

If you need a tiny house, I’m your man—if by “house” you mean “penis.”

When it comes to meconium, the first is the worst.

Gut bust leads to butt gust and butt gust leads to nut thrust and nut thrust leads to disgust.

The combined Slavic Citizenship and Plumbing course I took sent me Russian to the toilet.

I am a rock; I am an island resort where you have to get on a cruise ship to get to me and the food is not that good.

Roll me a whole hole an’ fry up them dough-doughs: it’s high time we dined on some liquor and Ho-Hos.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ass cream. Because hemorrhoids.

An eye for an eye makes the whole world need LASIK.

Shoot for the moon. If you miss, I have Wet Wipes.

Excuse me, waiter. Is this horse poop fresh?

Well in that case, you should be more specific the next time you say, “Release the Kraken,” Mr. Neeson.

Don’t call me “sweetheart.” My glucose levels are normal.

This Emmental cheese is holier than thou.

Piss up a rope? Don’t mind if I do!