Euripides’ Shorts

Let’s just say that, from an ornithologist’s point of view, turkey is my least favorite food.

It’s nice when mice come from owls’ bowels, ‘cause buddy, I study the turds of birds.

Fart not, lest ye get mud butt.

Chuck E. Cheese memoir: Swarming hordes of farting kids Stole my Skee-Ball tix.

I think the sign is perfectly clear: “CDs, Nuts for Sale.” What’s not to understand?

CBB bump!

A vampire who backs bare-assed into a crucifix has hot cross buns.

CBB bump!

“Cereal AGAIN?” said the dog.

On your mark, get set, fart!

Hold on to your dogs, it’s about to get HOT!

A murder of crows… A pride of lions… An assload of baboons.

You can pick your friends and you can pick their noses, but you can’t force them to have plastic surgery if they don’t want to.

If chuckles were buckles, I’d be a monkey’s uncle. But if giggles were tickles, I’d stop writing Rob Riggle.

When the eye doctor told me my areolas looked great, I thought she meant something else.

Roaches check in. They don’t check out. So bill them another day, wieners out.

The pessimist in me says Dumbo got taken advantage of by that feather salesman.

I overhauled my overalls So I could do a fashion haul. It took too long, I did it wrong, And now I’m over overhauls, And sick of patching wretched ‘ralls.

Due to the national coin shortage all ass pennies are now back in circulation.

What can I do you for? …Really? That much?

Could someone please explain to me how the Street Sharks were able to breathe on land?

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s Memorex.

Tubs of tofu are frequently so few that I’m tempted to buy two—one for me, and one for you.

“I don’t believe in wearing a mask. I just do it to fit in,” said the Phantom.

Don’t get mad, get Glad. Don’t get offendys, get Wendy’s.