Euripides’ Shorts

Red eye by night: travelers’ delight. Brown eye by morning: toilets take warning.

“Orange, you going to invite me in?” asked the vampire fruit bat.

As the eunuch remarked when the voyage embarked, “It’s easier said than done.”

Just because YOU’RE not drunk at 7AM doesn’t mean other people can’t be, DAD!

And THIS is why a toilet-shaped tin is a bad idea for a mud mask.

A skunk a day keeps the doctor away.

I’m not going to sugar-coat it: these candy apples are terrible.

When Dachshunds take over the Earth, they’ll appoint me their ally. At least I hope so. Otherwise why do I keep buying treats for all these random Dachshunds?

That wiener dog’s got buns, hon! I mean literally. It’s wearing a hotdog costume.

It’s like Waterloo over here. Only replace the “loo” with “works.” Waterworks. I’m crying.

If you peel my rutabaga I’ll cream your corn.

Show me a room full of Dachshunds in party hats and I’ll show you a happy onlooker—me!

Binge on fruit, down the chute, then reboot.

Choose a job you love to hate and you’ll never work a day in your miserable life.

All’s well that ends swelling.

Two dogs played fetch with a yellow disc, and I threw the toy too far and high, and that’s why it’s stuck on the roof.

Fluffernutter?! I hardly know her well enough to make a special trip to the store just for marshmallow cream! What is she, my mother?!

Catch THIS, assholes!

I’ll ketchup your mustard if you relish my mayonnaise.

Keep It Simple, Dummy.

If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be a sweetie and stop making me cupcakes in the bathroom.

I’ve got one mask in my pocket, and the other one’s on a decorative scarecrow.

“Soft ye now, the fair Ophelia…”: Hamlet was the pioneer of social boner control.

I watch the best of the ‘94 Jim Carrey vehicles on my phone at COVID costume parties so I can Mask while I mask while I mask.

I put mud treatments on while taping outdoors so I can mask while I mask while I mask.