Euripides’ Shorts

One man’s scrotum is another man’s balls.

Turn the other cheek… No, the OTHER cheek!

Excuse me, doctor, but I think you mean HER-sterectomy.

Hot sauce candy floss—don’t mind if I don’t!

Hot bouillabaisse should pot-stew for days, but cheddar corn chowder tastes better from powder.

Make like the owner of a magnetic flashlight and stick it where the sun don’t shine.

I don’t shut up, I grow up, which is more than I can say for you, Mr. Button.

If you are what you eat, call me gum off the street.

Bright Light City gonna trigger a migraine.

TIL “Upton Sinclair” was actually a pen name of the Upton’s near Lake Sinclair.

Oh! No HOLDS barred. Okay, I get it now.

When you said we were going balls-out, I thought you meant something else.

Nurts, nurts: they’re good for your nurts. The more you eat, the more you nurt.

The coxswain’s Dachshund hopped in the flotsam and swam back to Boston from Maine.

Waiter! I ordered X and this is Y!

An off-duty perfume tester in a public restroom has shit to sniff.

Don’t dump in my oatmeal and call it Quaker, don’t crap on my cabinets and call them Shaker, and when I’m acting don’t call me a faker. I use the Method, sir.

I know it works for chocolate, Mr. Darden, but “Death by Shrimp” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Grits: cold, unsalted, unbuttered. Tried to work but I only puttered. Fire wouldn’t light; it only sputtered. And I don’t see an age limit posted on gutter guards, sir, so I’ll be speaking to your manager.

Greens in beans are keenly lean, but spice in rice is twice as nice.

TIL “So Long, Frank Lloyd Wright” is actually about penis size.

He who lights and runs away can poop and light another day.

I sent a coal fax to Colfax but all that came out was paper.

Wook at me! I just did a numbie twosie in my diap-diap!

“Mind if I cut in?” asked the ballroom dancing painter.