Euripides’ Shorts

One bang to make you laugh, one bang to fuck your mother: that’s how we do it here on the show.

Never look a .gif horse up without a search filter.

What goes in round and comes out brown? Oreos, bagels, and Froot Loops, oh my!

Gimme a ‘B’! Gimme an ‘A’! Gimme an ‘N’! Gimme a ‘G’! …What’s that spell?! How should I know? I’m illiterate.

Theirs not to reason why, / Theirs but to let air dry.

This ticket to lick it expired LAST Augie Doggie.

Don’t knock it ‘til you try it—I left it unlocked for you ‘cause my dog always barks when someone raps on the door.

If you don’t shit your pants I’ll eat my hat.

If you can’t beat ‘em, find another way to masturbate.

Don’t do me like that. Instead do me like this: …aaaand sex noise.

When you’re nong to nong your dong is in it.

Nothing gets my motor running quite like a sledgehammer to the pipes. It’s an old car.

Welcome to Dramedy Bing Bing. I’m your toast, Skit Lickerman, and this is the show where we walk by interesting steeples.

A little Edwin Drood always gets me in the mood.

Please accept my apologies, Martha—I had no idea your father was in that pot pie you made me.

If at first you don’t succeed, pie. Pie and gin.

Theirs not to reason why, / Theirs but to pick up my dry cleaning by 5pm.

Violets are blue; roses are yellow. I’m a spokesdog for the Hot Corporation and I don’t appreciate your flippant use of our catchphrase, Weirdo Al.

That’s just hogwash! This one’s a dogwash. Way over THERE’s the carwash, you idiot.

Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em! These beef fillets aren’t going to jerky themselves!

Let he who is without gin make the first vodka martini.

Toot-toot peanut butter? I hardly know her!

For Holiday Inn, here's a checklist: / Great parking, a gym, and free breakfast. / But when I bed down, / I am met by the sound / Of the couple next door's torrid fuckfest.

I’m hung like a horse, but quicker in the saddle than the Speed Force.

Hell hath no fury like overacted porn