Euripides’ Shorts

Solid gold

This just in: the tip!

If you’re down to clown, you’re in the right place.

A good riddle is like an exorcist boxer: it beats the hell outta me!

You say potato… Round here we call ‘em dirt peaches.

Peanut butter?! I hardly know ‘er!

Is that a hand-sewn lockstitch seam in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

Leaf blower?! I hardly know ‘er!

Hazelnut? I hardly know ‘er!

Daddy, it’s not fried! It’s Shake and Bake, and I’m hell!

Bros before hoes, but hose before clothes—otherwise you’ll get your clothes wet with all that hose water.

Bang-bang comedy, to all welcome—back to forward this hear.

Slowpoke says, “Dicks out for Harambe!”

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I was tripping balls so don’t ask me what happened after that.

Love it

I don’t poop when I pee; I only pee when I poo. If you gotta problem with it, here’s a problem for YOU: I just did both on your floor.

Tickle your pickles and flick all your nickels: it’s time we got these coin-op cucumber harvesters up and running.

Beatin’ ain’t cheatin’.

What’s new, pusssycat? Well for starters, it’s just “cat” now.

Cry me a river, build me a dam, and get me some of that hydroelectricity I’ve heard so much about.

Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em! It’s the only way those bees will learn.

I like big butts and I CAN lie.

Go get on that dromedary; here’s some funny commentary.

A few screws loose when I hit the juice, but I never met a man who loved a food fight truce.

If it were easy, it’d be your mom.