Euripides’ Shorts

Monsters are real. Just look at Sesame Street.

Rhonda’s jaundice from embossing was far from spotless, but her bodice was intaglioed with awesome walrus polish, which, though frail and thoughtless, was all but flawless.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, then you’re the Domme for me!

Let’s knock knackwursts to quench my thirst. I’m so thirsty my head will burst.

I can lie, but I still like big butts.

I like big cravats and I cannot lie, so please don’t throw out my clown ties.

Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be, As long as you like pee.

Whenever I see feet, I shoot skeet—and I don’t mean the clay kind.

You can’t spell “bathtub” without “butt hab,” so call in the next 15 minutes and we’ll throw in a free ass habitat when you buy any bathroom fixture! Some restrictions apply.

“I’m sending this food back because it’s too good,” said the ascetic.

If you don’t X, I’ll Y you so hard you’ll have to Z out of your B-hole to CDEDBD duckies.

It’s alright, baby—MY pink supermoon lasts all year!

Jump-start my heart! Word of caution: I WILL fart.

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan / A stately sex swing install.

Here I sit so broken-hearted; tried to shit—and I did…in my pants.

Thank you for investing in our outdoor summer popsicle vending business, Wet ‘n’ Ready. Needless to say, we’re very excited.

If ghosts don’t poop, why is there so much ectoplasm in my bathroom?

I taught I taw a Puddy tat. The lesson didn’t go over very well. No one knew what the hell tawing was and they were too young to have watched Seinfeld.

Dress for success but don’t cover those breasts.

Breaking off hundos and taking names: that’s how we play the comedy game.

Don’t talk to me about FOMO! They call me the FOMO MOFO.

Destroy your stomach with Aleve, heal it with Tums.

To pee is human. To flush is divine.

I’m so tired of being alone, but I don’t mind the daily masturbation.