Is that a shit-eating grin on your face or are you just happy to see me?

[Is that a shit-eating grin on your face or are you just happy to see me?]

Is that a shit-eating grin on your face or are you just happy to see me?

[Ketchup and liquor?! I hardly know how to make a gin and tonic, let alone a Bloody Mary, you asshat!]

Ketchup and liquor?! I hardly know how to make a gin and tonic, let alone a Bloody Mary, you asshat!

[And that’s how I know you can’t hit a speedboat with an egg from this altitude, your Honor.]

And that’s how I know you can’t hit a speedboat with an egg from this altitude, your Honor.

[And then I said, “Michigan?! Are you crazy? I haven’t even Miched once!” And that’s when I realized I was at the wrong funeral.]

And then I said, “Michigan?! Are you crazy? I haven’t even Miched once!” And that’s when I realized I was at the wrong funeral.

[To bumble and plunder under thunder till torn asunder would be a blunder? I wonder!]

To bumble and plunder under thunder till torn asunder would be a blunder? I wonder!

[Loose lips talk shit.]

Loose lips talk shit.

[As much as I appreciate expressions like “shoot a hot load” or “spray hot piss,” I think it’s time we acknowledge their redundancy. I mean, unless you’re undead, the shit coming out of your body is typically hot, no?]

As much as I appreciate expressions like “shoot a hot load” or “spray hot piss,” I think it’s time we acknowledge their redundancy. I mean, unless you’re undead, the shit coming out of your body is typically hot, no?

[Weave a circle round him thrice, / And close your eyes with holy dread, / For he on honey-dew hath fed, / And now hath explosive diarrhea.]

Weave a circle round him thrice, / And close your eyes with holy dread, / For he on honey-dew hath fed, / And now hath explosive diarrhea.

[You can’t spell “onion pie” without “opinion,” and opinions are like assholes, so no, Mom, I don’t want to try your quiche.]

You can’t spell “onion pie” without “opinion,” and opinions are like assholes, so no, Mom, I don’t want to try your quiche.

[Onions are like a-holes: the deeper you go, the stronger the smell.]

Onions are like a-holes: the deeper you go, the stronger the smell.

[Opinions are like assholes: you can remove the second and third letters of each and get a word analogous to the original.]

Opinions are like assholes: you can remove the second and third letters of each and get a word analogous to the original.

[Tee-hee-hee, I leave a puddle of mucus on every chair I sit on. It's my calling card!]

…Slimer from Ghostbusters? Is that you?

[Crab cake, anyone?]

Crab cake, anyone?

[There’s no “I” in “team,” but there’s plenty of meat, just like my butt.]

There’s no “I” in “team,” but there’s plenty of meat, just like my butt.

[Steady, steady as she goes: drop the cup, you’ll splash piss on your toes.]

Steady, steady as she goes: drop the cup, you’ll splash piss on your toes.

[Hell hath no fury like a babe just born.]

Hell hath no fury like a babe just born.

[Trick or treat! Smell my feet. Serve me something without meat.]

Trick or treat! Smell my feet. Serve me something without meat.

[If someone tells you they like “a good balance,” trust me, they aren’t an ass person.]

If someone tells you they like “a good balance,” trust me, they aren’t an ass person.

[If you ain’t a cutie with a booty, I’ll take a sweetie with some meaty.]

If you ain’t a cutie with a booty, I’ll take a sweetie with some meaty.

[Due to the recent tortilla shortage, we are saddened to announce that Taco Tuesday has officially been rebranded You Snooze, You Lose Day.]

Due to the recent tortilla shortage, we are saddened to announce that Taco Tuesday has officially been rebranded You Snooze, You Lose Day.

[Go ahead and fill me up. …And while you’re at it, put some gas in my car too, please.]

Go ahead and fill me up. …And while you’re at it, put some gas in my car too, please.

[When you told me you went to her soft opening, I thought you meant something else.]

When you told me you went to her soft opening, I thought you meant something else.

[Bend me over like a four-leaf clover and slip me that lucky charm.]

Bend me over like a four-leaf clover and slip me that lucky charm.

[How do you solve a problem like maria, where m is 5, a is 2, r is 7, and i is the square root of -1?]

How do you solve a problem like maria, where m is 5, a is 2, r is 7, and i is the square root of -1?

[Snips and snails and puppy dog tails: that’s all I saw when that mobile pet store collided with that barbershop.]

To clarify, the dogs went ape-shit. They were not maimed.