Spread those legs. Rub, rub, rub. It’s tough to get wine out of carpet.

[Spread those legs. Rub, rub, rub. It’s tough to get wine out of carpet.]

Spread those legs. Rub, rub, rub. It’s tough to get wine out of carpet.

[Someone tore me a new asshole and I am loving it.]

Poop more in less time!

[You can love Paul Rudd or love Paul Rust; just please don’t make love on this bus.]

You can love Paul Rudd or love Paul Rust; just please don’t make love on this bus.

[Gary, gear up to wear your rip-stop earmuffs. Puff a pipe and peel a muffin whilst we procure—huffin’—this poor puffin, roughed up by a tussle on the shores of Lake Curmudgeon, and bludgeoned by a sturgeon.]

Gary, gear up to wear your rip-stop earmuffs. Puff a pipe and peel a muffin whilst we procure—huffin’—this poor puffin, roughed up by a tussle on the shores of Lake Curmudgeon, and bludgeoned by a sturgeon.

[From the womb to the tomb, honeycomb is the bomb. But please don’t give honey to infants under one year.]

From the womb to the tomb, honeycomb is the bomb. But please don’t give honey to infants under one year.

[If I’m not a horse whisperer, explain to me how this giraffe got on your roof.]

If I’m not a horse whisperer, explain to me how this giraffe got on your roof.

[No wonder rabbits are so horny: they’re always naked.]

No wonder rabbits are so horny: they’re always naked.

[Ninety-nine percent of life is just stuff goin’ into holes.]

Ninety-nine percent of life is just stuff goin’ into holes.

[The best things in life are free—that’s why I comped when I gave you VD.]

The best things in life are free—that’s why I comped when I gave you VD.

[Let he who is without sin grab the last P’zone.]

Let he who is without sin grab the last P’zone.

[I don’t shut up, I blow up. And when I look at you…KA-BOOM!]

I don’t shut up, I blow up. And when I look at you…KA-BOOM!

[If Florida’s America’s dong, those are some real small testes.]

If Florida’s America’s dong, those are some real small testes.

[Pants down / On the ground / Whilst I clown.]

Pants down

On the ground

Whilst I clown.

[Daylight ballad for my lady, day/night salad for my baby.]

Daylight ballad for my lady, day/night salad for my baby.

[I misunderstood the ENT when he told me he wanted to explore my throat with his long tube. Turns out he wanted a blowjob.]

I misunderstood the ENT when he told me he wanted to explore my throat with his long tube. Turns out he wanted a blowjob.

[The more you get dick, the more you need WIC.]

The more you get dick, the more you need WIC.

[I’ve always believed children should be seen and not have GERD.]

I’ve always believed children should be seen and not have GERD.

[Check the diape, find the stripe, use the wipe.]

Check the diape, find the stripe, use the wipe.

[Hindsight is 20/20. I shouldn’t have eaten that can of Dinty.]

Hindsight is 20/20. I shouldn’t have eaten that can of Dinty.

[Two households, both alike in dem titties, / In fair Jersey Shore, where we lay our scene…]

Two households, both alike in dem titties, / In fair Jersey Shore, where we lay our scene…

[How much nurts could a peanurt nurt if Mr. Peanurt nurt nurt nurt?]

How much nurts could a peanurt nurt if Mr. Peanurt nurt nurt nurt?

[Squirming vermin in my chemise cause me to fall to me knees and pray they don’t bite deez.]

Squirming vermin in my chemise cause me to fall to me knees and pray they don’t bite deez.

[We ain’t fakin’… Whole lot of Quake 3 goin’ on.]

We ain’t fakin’… Whole lot of Quake 3 goin’ on.

[They call me Mimi, but I don’t know why.]

They call me Mimi, but I don’t know why.

[I watch Minute to Win It with a bonnet on my noggin, eating Benihana takeout, rocking out to Kenny Loggins.]

I watch Minute to Win It with a bonnet on my noggin, eating Benihana takeout, rocking out to Kenny Loggins.