Riddle me this: Who’s coming to my son’s bris? RSVP by Friday. …P.S. There’ll be nachos!

[Riddle me this: Who’s coming to my son’s bris? RSVP by Friday. …P.S. There’ll be nachos!]

Riddle me this: Who’s coming to my son’s bris? RSVP by Friday. 

P.S. There’ll be nachos! 

[If I had a dollar every time I had 100 cents, I’d be a bank teller.]

If I had a dollar every time I had 100 cents, I’d be a bank teller.

[Unhand me woman! She’s the love of me life.]

Unhand me woman! She’s the love of me life.

[Anything more than a handful is wasted unless you’re dating an octopus.]

Anything more than a handful is wasted unless you’re dating an octopus.

[They call me Mellow Yellow, but my legal name is Daryl.]

They call me Mellow Yellow, but my legal name is Daryl.

[Tickle my pickle but don’t twist the stem.]

Tickle my pickle but don’t twist the stem.

[What, Goldilocks couldn’t wait five minutes for that first bowl of porridge to cool?]

What, Goldilocks couldn’t wait five minutes for that first bowl of porridge to cool?

[Pants on the ground, pants on the ground. Peeing like a toddler with my pants on the ground.]

Pants on the ground, pants on the ground. Peeing like a toddler with my pants on the ground.

[All mirrors are fat mirrors.]

All mirrors are fat mirrors.

[Sit. Spin. Good jerk.]

Sit. Spin. Good jerk.

[In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is piss-drunk 24/7.]

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is piss-drunk 24/7.

[Don’t call me by my Christian name! Christian’s my middle name; call me Terry.]

Don’t call me by my Christian name! Christian’s my middle name; call me Terry.

[If you’re self-aware and you know it, clap your hands.]

If you’re self-aware and you know it, clap your hands.

[I learned the hard way that How to Eat Fried Worms is not a recipe book.]

I learned the hard way that How to Eat Fried Worms is not a recipe book.

[As the saying goes, “Early to bed, catch the worm, gather no moss and don’t be a bitch.”]

As the saying goes, “Early to bed, catch the worm, gather no moss and don’t be a bitch.”

[Suck blood, eat cereal. Rinse and repeat.]

Suck blood, eat cereal. Rinse and repeat.

[Hi I’m Scott Chocula, grandson of the great Count Chocula, but don’t ask me about that cereal fortune because I haven’t seen one red cent.]

Hi I’m Scott Chocula, grandson of the great Count Chocula, but don’t ask me about that cereal fortune because I haven’t seen one red cent.

[Quit hotdoggin’; these buns are tired.]

Quit hotdoggin’; these buns are tired.

[You want to work smart. You do NOT, under ANY circumstances, want to work hard.]

You want to work smart. You do NOT, under ANY circumstances, want to work hard.

[Anybody wanna have dinner with their ex and have them text you when they make it safe to their new girlfriend’s house later?]

I believe that’s called the “long cuck.”

[For my second wedding, only the back of my dress will be white.]

For my second wedding, only the back of my dress will be white.

[Jason Mantzoukas’ Bubly flavor of choice is cherry.]

Examine the can and you’ll see why.

[Ovaries are found ovar the genitals while undaries are found undar the genitals, but for some reason those gonads are called testicles.]

I’d always wondered why this was. Then I learned “testi-“ is derived from the Latin “testibulare,” which means to return home from a physical trial, during which the participant’s head would often be cast downward in fatigue. In time the word was shortened and came to refer to any organ hanging below its expected height, then to the balls exclusively.

[I thought Titanic was a sequel to Big. Boy was I wrong.]

I thought Titanic was a sequel to Big. Boy was I wrong.

[Monsters are real. Just look at Sesame Street.]

Monsters are real. Just look at Sesame Street.