Slappywhite

Doh!! I guess I shouldn't have called some MAGA dude a cunt {British usage} and got banned...Thanks for the funny shit in this forum. Peace, all!

Here at Olive Garden, you're family, so feel free to call your waitress a whore, and storm out.

Things just keep getting worse. I've got diaper rash on both hands, AND I'm not allowed to be within 500 yards of a hospital nursery.

I told the doctor that my nipples have been REALLY sensitive lately, then he told me that I could rinse and spit because he'd finished putting the crown on.

Real estate tip: You can always tell if the house was built in 60's or 70's by the untrimmed bush in front.

I like watching bukkake porn in reverse, because it just looks like a group of men vacuuming sperm off a woman's face with their Hoover-like dicks.

Yea, but the joke's on him, because you set its alarm to go off every ten minutes. Unless it's on vibrate, then he wins again.

My neighbor and his girlfriend are unaware that they recently made a sex tape.

If you need nipples, I know a guy.

Some lady had the audacity to call me a racist and a bigot today! At least I think that's what she said, I'm not really sure...it's really hard to hear in that sheet.

Just once, I'd like Henry Louis Gates Jr. ,to tell the celebrity on Finding Your Roots, that every one of their ancestors turned out to be syphilitic pedophiles.

I was shitting in the adjacent stall when that guy from The Digital Underground got busy in the Burger King bathroom.

My Pulp Fiction inspired, "Bring out the shrimp!' line kills at Red Lobster.

The fact that I'm sitting in a tree stand, watching your bedroom window with binoculars, doesn't make me a perverted creep! It's probably the fingering of my butthole that does that, but I'm no lawyer.

Thomas Jefferson once wrote, "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Word to the wise, this does NOT work for rose bushes, and will lead to you having to answer a lot of questions from the sheriff's department, your parents, and the owner of those bushes.

If you guys think I'm just going to stand here with my dick in my hand, while you besmirch the U.S. Constitution in front of me, weeeeell, you didn't read my ad on Craig's List very well. One of you was supposed to bring a folding chair!

No shirt. No shoes. No crayon drawings of my beloved grandmother Blanche bleaching her asshole. What is this, North Korea?!?!?

“You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take, and that's a pretty sweet shot percentage."

Four score and seven years ago, we were seven years younger and NOT down by four scores.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peckers; A peck of pickled peckers Peter Piper picked. If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where the fuck is Peter Piper getting all these peckers? Peter Piper, that pecker pickling motherfucker!

I would rather regret the things that I have done, than the things that I have not. And that is why I shit in the pool, officer

I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.

The Pessimist Sees Difficulty In Every Opportunity. The Optimist Sees Opportunity In Every Difficulty. The Peeping Tom sees you jerking off a lot.

Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans, but it is also a cereal.

I bet Subway Corporate has a shitload of life-sized Jared cardboard cutouts sitting in a warehouse somewhere.