This has been driving me insane

[This has been driving me insane]

I have googled every possible thing I could to try to figure this out. This happened either on comedy bang bang podcast or improv4humans. There was a musical guest on one of those podcasts where they performed a song that him and his wife/girl friend wrote about their perspective of breaking up with each other. I keep hearing snippets of it in my head but I can’t remember who performed it or where to find it. Please help.

[Nothings sadder than when you order Chinese take out for one and then you get home open up the bag and realize they gave you 3 sets of plastic ware 3 fortune cookies and enough napkins to supply a build a bear workshop with stuffing for maybe a full calen]

Nothings sadder than when you order Chinese take out for one and then you get home open up the bag and realize they gave you 3 sets of plastic ware 3 fortune cookies and enough napkins to supply a build a bear workshop with stuffing for maybe a full calendar year

[Okay! So what if we take some bats and we breed them with some pigeons and we make some bigeons and then we take those and breed them with a kangaroo and then BAM! No more racism.]

Okay! So what if we take some bats and we breed them with some pigeons and we make some bigeons and then we take those and breed them with a kangaroo and then BAM! No more racism. 

[Ever just have a fart so big that it’s actually a poop? oh prom.]

This is related to a true story in my life but let’s pretend like it’s not

[Ever just have a fart so big that it’s actually a poop? oh prom.]

Ever just have a fart so big that it’s actually a poop?

 

oh prom. 

[You can't drop a C-bomb in polite company anymore or an H-bomb on an eastern country. It's political correctness gone mad.]

You can’t say heck in any eastern country? 

[If “Jealousy, infidelity, envy Cheating to beating, envy and to the G they be the same thing” means what I think it does then I have no idea what OutKast is talking about.]

If “Jealousy, infidelity, envy
Cheating to beating, envy and to the G they be the same thing” means what I think it does then I have no idea what OutKast was talking about.

[Looking for a way to spice things up in the bedroom? Try barbecue sauce. It's not just for food anymore.]

Don’t get it in your tip.

tis not a friendly dip.

ouch.

[If you give a man a fish he will eat for a day if you turn a man into a fish what the fuck was that?! back up dude! no get back! You JUST turned Jeremy into a fish! What do you mean don’t be afraid?! I don’t know man .. I just don’t know you anymore]

If you give a man a fish he will eat for a day

if you turn a man into a fish

what the fuck was that?!

back up dude!

no get back! You JUST turned Jeremy into a fish! What do you mean don’t be afraid?!

I don’t know man .. I just don’t know you anymore 

come on Jeremy let’s get outta here

 

[If you ever have to have a friend on your side when getting into a bar fight make sure your friend is a knife. You can’t stab a knife.]

If you ever have to have a friend on your side when getting into a bar fight make sure your friend is a knife. You can’t stab a knife.

[pahk the cah in Hahvad Yahd more like park the car in Harvard yard im a tourist]

pahk the cah in Hahvad Yahd

more like park the car in Harvard yard 

im a tourist 

[Yo momma is so fat! that I’m genuinely worried about her health]

Yo momma is so fat! that I’m genuinely worried about her health 

[Every time I go to a website I keep accepting their cookies. They don’t even care that I’m diabetic.]

Every time I go to a website I keep accepting their cookies. They don’t even care that I’m diabetic.

[I’m not an actor I just play one in the operating room.]

I’m not an actor I just play one in the operating room.

[I’ve been taking photography classes I don’t want to be a photographer I just really enjoy hanging pictures up on strings In a poorly lit room.]

I’ve been  taking photography classes

I don’t want to be a photographer I just really enjoy hanging pictures up on strings In a poorly lit room.

[Football would be a much less dangerous sport if it were the teams goal to help each other get the ball to the other side.]

Football would be a much less dangerous sport if it were the teams goal to help each other get the ball to the other side.

[If your titties are tubby I’ll sprout a big chubby.]

If your titties are tubby I’ll sprout a big chubby.

[I got a word of the day calendar but it’s in Alphabetical order and I think everyone is catching on.]

I got a word of the day calendar but it’s in Alphabetical order and I think everyone is catching on.

[I got a car with all the bells and whistles Who would’ve thought you could buy a car with bells and whistles]

I got a car with all the bells and whistles 

Who would’ve thought you could buy a car with bells and whistles

[I bought a Leesa mattress using promo code Bang Bang and saved a little over $100. Now I can buy more marijuana and smoke it while listening to comedy bang bang. Not a catchphrase just a testimonial.]

I bought a Leesa mattress using promo code Bang Bang and saved a little over $100. Now I can buy more marijuana and smoke it while listening to comedy bang bang. Not a catchphrase just a testimonial. 

[Head and shoulders tits and clits, tits and clits.]

Head and shoulders tits and clits, tits and clits.

[The only time that it’s good to get the short end of the stick is when it’s going in your butt.]

The only time that it’s good to get the short end of the stick is when it’s going in your butt.

[Excuse me, waiter? There’s a cum in my soup.. so yes everything IS wonderful thanks for asking.]

Excuse me, waiter? There’s a cum in my soup.. so yes everything IS wonderful thanks for asking.

[A boob job sounds more like an occupation than an application.]

A boob job sounds more like an occupation than an application.

[What does a responsible bartender have to do when a pregnant woman walks up to the bar and orders a drink? cardamom.]

What does a responsible bartender have to do when a pregnant woman walks up to the bar and orders a drink? 
cardamom.