F-Word Scissorhands

At long last! Now every thing is finally all coming together. Except for a few things, which will hopefully come together later. But they are only like 49% of the total number of things, at most.

I am sexually attracted to cans of corned beef hash, an orientation known as Hormelsexuality.

...she was raising two young boys and, also, one super old boy.

She has two small children at home and, also, one gigantic child.

I was sentenced on several counts but I was also paragraphed, and a paragraph is, what?, like, at least a few sentences, too.

Bang-banging is what we do! Comedy is in our DNA. What does that mean? It means they can only prove it if we submit to a DNA test.

My dad was pronounced dead at the scene but, right before that, he was mispronounced “dud.”

I let God decide if my Turkey is moist. I call that “faith baste.”

My kitchen filled with raw sewage and, I know what you’re thinking, but cooked sewage is not that much better.

I don’t believe in beating a dead horse. I’ll just give it a time out, and talk to it about how it made me feel.

Who do you think you are, Big Brother?! Because you’re always surveilling me, and you’re a Catholic monk, and you’re well over 300 pounds!

I was like “don’t get all bent out of shape”, but then I realized I was talking to a balloon animal! Awkward!

Yeah, I strangled them with my bare hands. But I swear I had JUST sanitized with Purell.

Can U talk for a sec? If I mix U a margarita can U talk for a triple sec?

Sure, you can tell us how it went down, I guess. But what we actually want to hear is how it happened.

The numbers keep going up but that’s not even the scary part. They are also increasing. In some cases, they are even growing!

At my colonoscopy I laughed my ass off

Larry isn’t the first guy to try to help a troubled teen, but he is the deadest one.

I built this business from the ground up. Well, mostly. There were preexisting walls and they were, like, distressed brick, and I liked it, so I kept it as an accent.

They tell me I got the diabesity

I was going to strangle you with my bare hands, but I can wear oven mitts if it would give you a better murder experience.

Due to my strong personal convictions, I wish to stress that this podcast in no way endorses a belief in the occult. But my satanic daycare totally does.

I’m going to strangle you with my bare hands. And then with my gloved feet.

But Larry stopped behaving like a father to her, and started acting like a self-propelled dick.

I’m sorry to all of you corporate trainers but, in my religion, facilitating, empowering, and stake holding are all mortal sins.