F-Word Scissorhands

You’re trying not to piss all over Australia but, hey, ‘urine continent.’

What do you want to be when you grope?

He agreed to a polygraph test but then flatly refused to take a lie detector.

I was approached by two unknown strangers and also by one known stranger.

Make a difference, against your fellow man. Please, reach out, and lend a harming hand.

I’ll tell you how you do it, you take that shit, right?, and you pack that shit in there real tight. Then, say the phrase “that shit.”

Oral Roberts University is OK but their sister school, Anal Roberts University, is better.

I’m a white man, and I’m a fucking asshole! Why was I allowed to end up like this?! It’s reverse discrimination!

You don’t gotta be at a bowling alley to polish your balls in front of strangers.

Don’t listen to other podcasts that don’t deliver. More like ‘fraudcasts’, am I right?

Kukla, Fran, and Muhammad Ollie

Fungible de lo expungeable

Don’t Badmouth Ms. Goodhead.

Medical conditions can carry a harmful social stigma. But people who are faking medical conditions can face even worse intolerance.

Today we have that talkative celeb: Yammerin Diaz

“With all due respect” is not good enough! Give me more respect than I am due, and I’ll return the undue portion for a full refund.

The Mystery of the Amputee is a real stumper.

Today we have Andy Samberg and his wife, Joanna Newsom. They are here to spread public awareness about a serious condition that has affected their family, known as advanced harp failure.

Right? I just realized the catchphrases could be pranks! They’d have us going because this would actually be possible.

When I got here I had only the clothes on my back. My front was completely naked.

Thanks to our new sponsor, XCube. If they don’t have XCube, say “X Cubes me?!”

Don’t just sit there like a bump on a log, I found a lump on my hog!

1 for the money 2 for the show 3 to get ready 4 Margaret Cho

How dare you?! Wait, that doesn’t sound right. Should it be ‘how do you dare?’

They might be able to save my fingers from amputation, fingers crossed.