F-Word Scissorhands

Small, chalky candies cannot be popped out of a handheld plastic dispenser. But perhaps I am too pezimistic.

No vampire hunters have ever driven a wooden stake through my heart, knock on wood.

My surgeon gave me two buttholes but I rectum both.

This policy will cut the children that live in poverty in half. The families can choose the best option for them: lengthwise or at the waist.

I want to do something that really makes a difference in the world. Like, pollute an aquifer with permanent chemical toxins.

There are many aspects to aging. For example, ass specks.

You are doing an amazing job. In that, I am amazed that anyone could be so incompetent.

They gave me two colonoscopy appointments but I rectum both.

Today we have Jason Mantzoukas and his sister, Jason Womantzoukas.

...Like your Bob Dylans, your David Bowies, your Jimi Hendrices.

The dark web is the internet’s even eviler twin

All the bells and whistles are complimentary when you tamper with the anti theft devices

In the future, if Germans ever live on Mars, it will be wurst of both worlds.

THAT HUNK is your designer?! More like an Interior dickorator!

Well you can’t win ‘em all. In fact, in your case, you can’t win any of ‘em.

Thanks to our new sponsor, Hall’s menthol Lapkus

We are mere Shit on the shoe of N’dugu

Wham, bam, ad nauseam

Incarcerated people are mistreated in 25 different states, and also 25 states that are the exact same.

Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining UNLESS we’re in Detroit. Then I can call these boots my “Detroit Pissed-ins.”

So, a little bird told me you are getting promoted! Hi, welcome to Cutesy Blatant Lies.

I just can’t wrap my head around this. So I am injecting hydrofluoric acid under my scalp to demineralize my skull, making it as rubbery as an octopus.

Asphalt?! You’re an ass! It’s YOUR fault!

People who have never been on the internet are a shrinking minority. In addition to shrinking, they are becoming less numerous.

People don’t have enough food to eat. Other people don’t have enough food for doing things besides eating, such as, macaroni art.